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I have made an executive decision. I told my Husband that he WILL NOT com home unless he has gone to the gym that day.
It is NOT because I do not think he is sexy. I am very attracted to my Husband.
The problem is that he does not feel sexy.
This causes conflict with the 'Very attracted to Husband' fact seen above.
How frustrating that fact may be is nothing in comparison to the sadness I felt when 'we' finally came to this conclusion. He knew all along, but felt he could not tell me.
From a female standpoint, when your Husband doesn't want you, you assume it's you. At least after a significant amount of time. So I obviously felt it was me that was not up to par in the physical attractiveness, I am a Mom... it takes its toll.
When have I become the person he could not talk to?
He's been to the gym once so far (which was Thursday, and I told him Wednesday night he had to gym it up). I am hoping this yields positive results. I don't care if he's ripped, or even trim.
I can't take the day-to-day banter without.... occasional closeness.

Is

I have to prepare myself for a life with very few friends.
I am not saying that there is anything wrong with the world, or wrong with me. It just is.
It's not what I want, but it just is. I need something to look forward to, a reason to get off the couch. Right now, I am trying. I am trying very hard to come up with things that will make my world turn, because it feels like it isn't.
I don't feel like I am good at anything, I feel lazy, and don't have a high self esteem. I need to fix that.

TMI. Redundant.

I've been contemplating masturbation. I know. It's more than that, though. Let me tell you, 3lbs will do a TON for ones self esteem. I am not a size 6, which is twice what I was at 17. I didn't feel sexy at 17 for who knows what reason, maybe it was how I grew up, maybe it's just how most teenagers who had an awkward phase tend to be. Nevertheless, I look at my hips, my waist, and sometimes even my breasts and think "Wow". Mind you, this is not every day, and maybe particularly today because I'm ovulating. In general, I find myself to be sexy, alluring, and generally desireable in a nearly plus sized way (which is the sexiest, if you ask me). I need something. Watching Mad Men makes me consider smoking, but I don't think I ever could, for a variety of reasons, most of all being the smell. Plus, I've got a leech of a pretty daughter right now, which really leaves my only alone time being when I shower, and not always then. I'm cranky, I'm stressed, and I'm on the edge. I know of only one way to find relief, and I am going to have to do it myself. I'm probably going to have to find an online tutorial. I know, I've talked about this before, but going on 4 days is honestly more than I can bear. I may be a married woman, but I am almost 22, and I've got a lot of fire, and nobody is putting out the flame. I've got a Pin-board (pinterest) completely dedicated to Ryan Reynolds, and sometimes he slips into my 'Delicious' board, which is obviously still applicable. At this point, I'd get a job to pay for personal toys. I've got all these fantasies in my head, they leak into my dreams, and I wake up more frustrated than ever. And sometimes they include Ryan Reynolds, and sometimes people that make it uncomfortable (in my head) to see.

Misanthropy.

An old friend once had their Myspace (yeah, THAT old) who I'd like to meet say "I've already met everyone I need to know"
Or something like that.
Young and optimistic, I thought- How can someone feel that way? There are SO many great people to know!
Yes, and so many douchy assholes. I hate people.
I do. Honestly, when did people decide that you had to be a particular way, and if you aren't, you're singled out?
My Grandpa, he's a bit odd. Sometimes he posts odd things on my statuses that don't even relate, but he's a good guy. Know what I do, I @ him a :) or something.
He is who he is, and he means well and wants to connect. We are so far away. Some people just get so... douchy.

Uncertainty

Well, it looks like there is a very good chance Lovesband will not go on SPS. What SPS stands for, I can only guess. Either way, it makes me uneasy. Just because it looks like he may not go, does not mean they won't change their minds. Until the boat leaves, I am preparing like he will be on it. Not preparing is SO much worse.

Sliver

As Deployment draws near and subsequently begins, you will see more blog posts. Lovesband does NOT like to talk about deployment AT ALL. There is a slight chance he may not go. Are you thinking "YAAAY!"? I'm not. I'll tell you why: I REFUSE to start over. I'd rather let these phases happen, and have them cut short, and be a bit lost, than to begin again, or be stuck in "maybe" land. In my mind, he IS. If he doesn't, great! I have to get used to the idea of him going, and prepare myself. Last time, there was a 75% chance he would not go- he went. I did not afford myself the opportunity to appropriately prepare. I need to be as okay as I can be with the idea of him going. I'd rather weep uncontrollably at home than in the parking-lot of his shop. If preparing can buy me those 12min, then I'm going to do it. I WILL be in a better place this deployment. I CAN do this.