Is

I have to prepare myself for a life with very few friends.
I am not saying that there is anything wrong with the world, or wrong with me. It just is.
It's not what I want, but it just is. I need something to look forward to, a reason to get off the couch. Right now, I am trying. I am trying very hard to come up with things that will make my world turn, because it feels like it isn't.
I don't feel like I am good at anything, I feel lazy, and don't have a high self esteem. I need to fix that.

TMI. Redundant.

I've been contemplating masturbation. I know. It's more than that, though. Let me tell you, 3lbs will do a TON for ones self esteem. I am not a size 6, which is twice what I was at 17. I didn't feel sexy at 17 for who knows what reason, maybe it was how I grew up, maybe it's just how most teenagers who had an awkward phase tend to be. Nevertheless, I look at my hips, my waist, and sometimes even my breasts and think "Wow". Mind you, this is not every day, and maybe particularly today because I'm ovulating. In general, I find myself to be sexy, alluring, and generally desireable in a nearly plus sized way (which is the sexiest, if you ask me). I need something. Watching Mad Men makes me consider smoking, but I don't think I ever could, for a variety of reasons, most of all being the smell. Plus, I've got a leech of a pretty daughter right now, which really leaves my only alone time being when I shower, and not always then. I'm cranky, I'm stressed, and I'm on the edge. I know of only one way to find relief, and I am going to have to do it myself. I'm probably going to have to find an online tutorial. I know, I've talked about this before, but going on 4 days is honestly more than I can bear. I may be a married woman, but I am almost 22, and I've got a lot of fire, and nobody is putting out the flame. I've got a Pin-board (pinterest) completely dedicated to Ryan Reynolds, and sometimes he slips into my 'Delicious' board, which is obviously still applicable. At this point, I'd get a job to pay for personal toys. I've got all these fantasies in my head, they leak into my dreams, and I wake up more frustrated than ever. And sometimes they include Ryan Reynolds, and sometimes people that make it uncomfortable (in my head) to see.

Misanthropy.

An old friend once had their Myspace (yeah, THAT old) who I'd like to meet say "I've already met everyone I need to know"
Or something like that.
Young and optimistic, I thought- How can someone feel that way? There are SO many great people to know!
Yes, and so many douchy assholes. I hate people.
I do. Honestly, when did people decide that you had to be a particular way, and if you aren't, you're singled out?
My Grandpa, he's a bit odd. Sometimes he posts odd things on my statuses that don't even relate, but he's a good guy. Know what I do, I @ him a :) or something.
He is who he is, and he means well and wants to connect. We are so far away. Some people just get so... douchy.

Sliver

As Deployment draws near and subsequently begins, you will see more blog posts. Lovesband does NOT like to talk about deployment AT ALL. There is a slight chance he may not go. Are you thinking "YAAAY!"? I'm not. I'll tell you why: I REFUSE to start over. I'd rather let these phases happen, and have them cut short, and be a bit lost, than to begin again, or be stuck in "maybe" land. In my mind, he IS. If he doesn't, great! I have to get used to the idea of him going, and prepare myself. Last time, there was a 75% chance he would not go- he went. I did not afford myself the opportunity to appropriately prepare. I need to be as okay as I can be with the idea of him going. I'd rather weep uncontrollably at home than in the parking-lot of his shop. If preparing can buy me those 12min, then I'm going to do it. I WILL be in a better place this deployment. I CAN do this.

Pre-Deployment #2

We never expected to do it a second time, we were told that wouldn't happen. But I have gotten pretty good at knowing one sure thing about the Military- Things change.
The upside is that it is much shorter than the last one, and this is a very humanitarian deployment. Not OEF or OIF.
The downside is that we will break even as far as money goes, he will leave less than a month after returning to support EMV (enhanced Mojave Viper) for 3 months. Also, the communication on this will be a lot less than OEF. I talked to Lovesband almost every Sunday anytime between noon and 3pm EST. There was a time we went 5 weeks with no communication. There will be no Moto-Mail.

This time, I will be at OUR home. I won't be making the mistake of moving "home" for this deployment.
This time, I have a support system (ESSENTIAL).
This time, in a Corps town, I won't feel like a leper.
Something about non-military folk knowing your Hubs is deployed makes them feel all sorry for you. I know they mean well, but it's nice for someone to talk about it with strength behind their eyes, knowing how you feel, and having a smile for you. The look in the eyes of my non-military relations just said "you poor thing".

Plus, last time, I tried so hard to have friends, and nice as I was, as willing as I was to drive all over to anywhere; people either shut me out, blew me off, or wanted me to party.
Photography, and this blog, are all that I had. And for a time, Suzanne.

This time I'll have college. And as any Milspouse can tell you, doing a SINGLE productive thing (accomplishing a shower, loading the dishwasher) can seriously make a day.

DIY Life Edition.

Scuzband says we have passed the time to reenlist. It used to be that you could do so until the day of. Now, it is much harder. My Mom said "They need Soldiers, maybe they'll give him more time" 1) Seriously, Mom?! He's not a Soldier. For the 4,563,453rd time. Nothing wrong with being a Soldier, but he is a Marine. Has been for almost 2.5yrs. (Not counting boot camp). 2) No, they don't. They don't need more. They need 22,000 less. 3) He will not so much as utter a "Maybe" on that subject. Never ever. "Maybe the economy will pick up by then" 1) What?! How in the hell is that going to happen? Is the inflation fairy going to sprinkle magic dust? In 1yr the Economy will be better? I love you, but an economist you are not. 2) Like that will even matter. Neither of us are qualified to do anything. Oh, I can wait tables and work retail. He can be a crew leader at a fast food joint. Sweet. That will get us health-care. That'll pay the bills. Fuck your $300 bike. It's now broken. We also paid $20 to have someone 'tune it in' for you to use it 10times. How long have I been bugging you about college? Huh? I planned to go to college before, I waited for you. Then you joined the Marine Corps, didn't want to marry me. I took you back, I followed you here. I went through a deployment as a solo-parent. You were supposed to be leading us to a better life. I followed you, believing that you were newly motivated to give us the life I thought we dreamed of. Set backs. These are set backs? No. You've had a long fucking time to figure out a goddamned plan, and execute it. You have not. You are your own set back. You will not set your family back. I have to do this on my own. I have to make my own money, figure out college for myself. I want to provide for my daughter. I want to keep my dog. I don't need the 'finer things' in life, but I'd like to afford clothes for Belle off of the sales rack at TJMAXX. I want her to go to school with a nice backpack, and the supplies she will need. I want to be able to take her to the Zoo sometimes. I know it's aa long road. But it would really help if you would get in the fucking car.

Mooove over, buddy.

I've only ever liked one roomie out of the 3 Lovesband and I have experienced for an extended period of time. I hear that women sometimes get catty, and that can cause problems, honestly, BFF was the best roomie ever. EVER. We lived together, and are STILL BMFFF. That should say something. Maybe it's the mindset. Women (esp. married ones) like to keep a decent home. We run it, it is ours. We are used to shit being done the way we do it, help is only okay when it is done the way that we usually have it done, otherwise it's a pain. For example- if all of the things in your kitchen are suddenly in new places, if your cups are put away upright, if things are melted in the dishwasher, if your laundry is in rumpled piles, your fridge is stockpiled with beer, your microwave smells like Taiwainese farts (and so does everything you cook in it), Your furniture is wet and smells of beer (often)... just to name a few. BFF and I didn't/don't always get along, but we love and respect eachother. Something that, at times, has taken some work and pain honing in correctly; so we get over those things, tweet, and make up. The male roomies we have had generally have no respect for anyone what-so-ever. Hell, not even themselves. I'm tired of it. Each day is like putting my head in a blender. I get that men are forgetful, that isn't the problem. "Hey, there were a bunch of cans in the trash, I rinsed them out for recycling" What SHOULD have happened "Oh, sorry! I forgot" (no biggie) What Happened "Why?" "Because we recycle" "Yeah, but you didn't have to dig them out" "Yes, I did. What else was I going to do?" "Leave them there" This happens with EVERYTHING!!!! Seriously, everything. It's a headache. From Motorcycle safety, to beer taste, to facts, EVERYTHING is some kind of debate. The worst part is that we can never just drop it, he has to bug, like it's going to solve something. IT NEVER DOES! Lately, I just ignore him. I don't answer his planted questions. They are ALL planted. "How should I start an essay?" "I usually start with a relevant quote" "Fuck that, I don't want to look shit up, this essay is stupid, why write an essay about why I want to continue my education?" Seriously? YOU ASKED! Now you want to argue? Ugh. So, he's moving back to the barracks. I am hoping it eases the friendship. I do want to remain friends, and have him over often. DH feels bad, and I don't. I feel disrespected, and this is the second place he's been that hasn't worked out for him. Most of all, I am tired of worrying about his irresponsible behavior. Getting trashed by himself on a Monday night, Driving his motorcycle after a few beers (and with little PPE). I worry too much to watch the downward spiral. I'll be glad for the calm. I've come to the conclusion that I don't much like people. Usually they are ignorant, self-centered, malevolent, rude, or all of the above. I'm going to have to be happy as a hermit. I expect decency out of people. That is far too much.

Gravity

Part of me can't wait for October 13th 2012. Sure, I've met some great people, but the distance between us and regular civilians is too wide a gap.  It's been almost 3 years, I can say I am good friends with 2 people in real life. One is an hour away, and the other is moving 2,800miles at the end of the month. Other than that, I don't know anybody. Maybe it's my fault. I try to be social, but people just seem to not want to know me. I say "let me know when is good for you!"
"Ok!"
And they never let me know. I see them out and about doing things with other people. I can't help but be jealous. I am not jealous because they have a friend that is not me, I am jealous that they have what I want. Friendship.
Suzanne would have been perfect. Had she not been insane. She was a 22y/o BFing Mom. Her daughter a month younger than mine. We cooked together, went to panera. She was in a deployment almost over, I was about to enter one.
Alas, she lost her cookies. I knew she wasn't perfect, I knew she lied, I knew she suffered with anorexia, and borderline personality disorder, and I accepted all of that. We were friends for almost a year.
I knew I could always call Suzanne. She could always call me. I would always answer, or call RIGHT back.
I am just starting to feel closed off from the world.
Like they don't want me anymore.
I want a friend who knows that a favor is not an imposition, that they don't owe me anything in return but friendship.

Time

I've spent the night crying.
I'm so pathetic. How did I ever wind up to be so lost, and so angry?
All I ever wanted was QUALITY TIME. In this military life, in this day and age, Quantity in relation to time is really unrealistic. You can spend all the time you want with someone, and never get anything from it. We are coming in on a few week seperation, and you would think that we would try to spend a lot of good quality time together.
Right now, I am struggling so much.
How many different ways can I put it?
I NEED your QUALITY TIME to feel loved, and some words of affirmation would also be appreciated. You? I honestly don't know what you want, besides your bike, anymore.
The point is, without you spending some meaningful time with me, and reminding me I am important, I do not feel loved.
What, is the simple fact that you're here supposed to prove to me that you care? It doesn't.
I say "hey maybe we can go to the pool tomorrow!" Because we can't go to the Ocean, we are broke, so I am trying to think of free, fun things to do. You look at me with a face that says "yeah, how about we don't" and mumble something about not liking public pools. Yeah, this conversation happening at the park, which you're not enjoying either.
The past few nights,  we've settled into sitting on opposite sides of the room, doing different things, not paying attention to eachother at all. You're on KatRiders.com, and I'm only watching whatever I'm watching on NetFlix to pass the time until you're done. But when you're done, you go to bed. The baby sleeps, and you want nothing to do with me.

Love Language Lies

Once upon a time, a day before we got married, Lovesband and I took the 5 Love Languages Test.
When we did, we both got quality time as our Love Language. Perfect, right? Yeaaaah, not so much.
I think, when Lovesband filled it out, he was either putting down what he thought I would want him to put down, or he was in a post-boot camp/pre-MCT/getting married romantic high.
I just feel that this is not his language.
I think we should take the class offered through MCCS.
Have you taken it?

Who.

I am at a crossroads in my life. I am trying to become who I want to be, and not be who I was before. A me that, to this day, Lovesband is still uncovering. It's not easy. If I said I don't struggle daily inside of myself, I would be lying. I am succeeding (as of late) at pushing the negative parts of that old me away, and keeping parts of her that I like. My life tends to be riddled with "What if?". I work a lot on focusing on all that is good in my life, to keep from looking on the past. I have many blessings. It's unfair to look on the past on the idea of things that may not have even been good, when, unlike some of the world, I have so many great things in my life, right? I wonder if I will always have this struggle. If I will ever just BE who I want to be, or if I will always have the other side of me rapping at my windows.

Friends.

Is it normal, in a marriage, to end up feeling more like friends than lovers? I feel so... rejected.
I don't even feel like we're BEST friends. Our relationship is so quiet. I feel like I'm bothering him all the time. Holding him back, and just plain annoying him. Sometimes, we have bouts of intimacy.
It's like he's avoiding it. Avoiding me. He's just not interested.
I'll be honest, before marriage, I'd have taken that disinterest to the bank, and cashed it in for an account with interest. Now, I have to roll with the punches.
At the moment, I just want to go to sleep, and wake up to a different tomorrow. I'm confident, and feeling sexy as ever. Yet, I cannot hold his interest.

And, I'm pent up. Ya know?

My Mother always made it clear that I have to uh, "take care of my man". So, what about me? Hey! Weilder of the lap rocket, yeah you! Can I get some time?.
Seriously.

Tell Me.

I firmly believe (more and more daily, now that I am a Milspouse), that you need to put yourself in the shoes of others. It's a whole lot easier to see intent, when you do that.
Something that may hurt you, or seem stupid, may not have been borne from feelings or intent to hurt.
It breaks my heart when people take something I do in a way I don't intend. Even moreso when it has to do with something that I don't know about.
I want to be someone that people can say "I know you didn't mean to upset me, but ________________, upsets me"
I don't WANT to upset people. Especially those I care so ver much about. I want to make those people smile, and laugh.
I want to be somebody that the people I am close with can share feelings with.
I am not yet this person. I need to be this person.

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Chasing Pavement.

I am an unhappy person.
I don't know why it is so hard for me to enjoy life.
I feel so out of place in my own life.
I'm so angry all the time.
Nobody cares about the same things I care about, maybe BFF.
Honestly, I really need to stop asking Lovesband to do anything.
He doesn't get things done within, what I consider, a reasonable time-frame. Then I just do these things myself, and he gets all pissed off.
So, if I just skipped to doing it myself, it would solve this whole problem.
Right now, I am focused on getting the diaper bag packed for tomorrow. I'm very tired, it's almost 0100, and Belle has yet to fall asleep.
If Lovesband had taken the 2 minutes it takes to pack the diaper bag an hour ago, before he went to bed, I could be focused on sleeping.
We are late ALL THE TIME. I would rather lose sleep than be late to Church.
I am not a happy person when I am tired. I am actually VERY cranky when I am tired. I am tired.

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New Bern fun

Sometimes I picture myself with a very different life.
I picture being looked at the way Lovesband looks at me when he gets back from the field, more often than when he gets back from the field.
I picture going on walks like I did with BFF and Buddy. Just enjoying the walk. I'll have to upload photos, we had such a fun time walking around New Bern at night. It's beautiful, so quiet, and the walk, with no destination, no real reason, it was so amazing.
I know Lovesband would have complained the entire time.
Maybe that is what BFF is for. To enjoy things like that with.

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Aye, Ma'am

Motor-T doesn't like me. Lovesband says it's mostly because they don't like the FRO. They don't like the FRO because, apparently they don't like their wives knowing things. They also dislike me because nobody was saying anything about someone who claimed to be sleeping with another Marine's wife, and I said something about it. So now they are afraid of me.
Seriously?
It's not like I'm going to tattle about everything, but some things (like sleeping with another Marine's wife) are a pretty big deal.
I also don't understand why Marines get pissed off that the FRO is giving their wives information. It's the same information the Marines are given.
This stuff is pretty discouraging. I'd like to help develop some sort of comraderie with the company. As far as I can tell, everyone mostly keeps to themselves. I don't know if it's because they choose to, or because they don't know where to start.
We've been here 2 years, and I still hardly know anyone in the Company.
I just feel unlikeable these days, and so socially awkward.
I don't know if the Marines I talked to this morning were nice because they enjoyed talking to me, or because they felt they had to be.
Someone get me some Xanax.

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I ate Ice Cream before bed.

BFF is here!!!!! Okay, she's at the beginning of deployment, so she's in a heartwrenching place. It sucks.
I haven't had much time with her in ages.
Deployment is not fair!
I want to treat her like a brand new puppy, I've missed her so!
It's a bittersweet place to be.
Happy to see her, and spend time with her, sad to know exactly how she feels, and loathe that such a feeling exists.
Until you watch someone with 2 seabags, an ILBE pack, and your entire heart walk to a bus/plane/7 ton knowing that it's going to be for so long, in a dangerous place, with limited contact- you don't know how much your heart can ache, how everything feels off, anxiety, panic, depression. Ugh.
I hope she knows how super stoked I am to have her here, and get to spend time with her :D
She's awesomesauce.

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Saturday is pointless.

I'm watching myself fall. I see my sanity flying by, and I am groping for something, anything.
Lovesband, for the past few years, has been all I have. I've made attempts at friends, but it just doesn't work out.
They're far away. They move away. They pull/push away.
We've been here almost 2 years, and nobody wants to be my friend.
Lovesband has Duty today, and I am stuck with Buddy.
I hope he goes for a ride. I'd rather be here with 4 dogs alone.
I had high hopes for cheering someone up today.
Now, I have to try and cheer myself up. Using myself.
Not that I was going to make everything better, but if you think about it all the time, and have no friends, it will consume you. Sometimes, to survive, you have to push it away.
In suite, I am going to go about this in that manner.
Today is a regular old Saturday by myself.
And I don't miss BFF to tears.

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Updates!

It was a lovely weekend with Lovesband. We went to the air show and had an awesome time! I touched a plane  and helicopter for the very first time! I got a funnel cake, which is always a win!
He's been super affectionate, sweet, and we've done all sorts of things together this weekend!
I even got a basil plant!
You might not know it, but I have a deep obsession with basil. I could eat it on anything, or all by itself. We planted our tomato plants, weeded our garden, and watched No Strings Attached.
Shortly, we will watch The Green Hornet! yaaaay!
Most of this week will be spent cleaning the house (MUCH needed).
OH! Fun fact- to plant my daffodil I used an E-tool... Yeah, you know you're a Milspouse when...

Speaking of-
I really hate that my blog is full of a lot of negativity, but it just seems to pop up.
I could be a hermit. It seems I meet very few awesome people with normal lives.
For the most part, people are either dependasaurasus, or are faking a "perfect marriage".
I think they equally nauseate me. "I need people to believe I have "Made it" in life, what will I do if everything falls apart?!" People would rather hate each other than go through a Divorce.

I'm trying to make a calender for the squadron events, and it is quite complicated. I may have to start over.
The Fro doesn't like the way it looks. I want it to be perfect. Ugh. It's not that she said she doesn't, she said "Can you send it to me in a format that I can edit?"
Yeah, if you have paintshop.

Belle had her Overdue 18mo appt.
My goodness. This child is 2'9"!!!!!!!
WOW! One day, I'll look up at her after she walks across a graduation stage.
She's surpassing all over her milestones!

We've also been looking into moving out in town. Lovesband is SO on the fence about it. It's really a good deal, but it not having a garage seems to be a kill point for him. Honestly, you can't find an apartment for the price of this 3br 2ba home with a huuuuuuuuge backyard. We were supposed to give an answer today. We are trying to save money, but Lovesband seems concerned about utilities. The math says we can save money.
Of course, that is moving everything we own AGAIN, which I did...oh... 8 mo ago. Then 6 mo before that. Then 6mo before that. THEN 6 MONTHS BEFORE THAT! Oh, and theeennnnnn.... wait for it..... 6-MONTHS-BEFORE-THAT!
Seriously. Honest to God. Moving every 2 years really wouldn't be so bad.
I know many a Milspouse talk about getting stir crazy. Can I? We don't even ever have time to get settled!
We still have boxes in the garage.


OOOOOHHHHHHHH, Time for Green Hornet!

Kyler Durden.

Through High School, we were almost inseperable. You were my very best friend. I could talk to you about anything, we laughed about everything, we gossiped about everyone. We spent Halloween together, we went to anti-homecoming together, we spent your birthday together, we drove around aimlessly into the night.
The last time I remember seeing you, you were holed up in your apartment, smoking pot constantly, and hardly ever going to work. That was a few years ago.
I wish we were close enough where I could have saved your life like I did before. I'm sorry we drifted apart. I'll never know if we could have been close again, you stole that from us, and I am somewhat mad about that. I have so many memories, so many things we could have caught up on. I try to think about how much you hurt, and for so long, I try to think that now you no longer have to hurt. You were almost 23. I hope that you really thought through your decision, I hope that this was your last resort. I hope you were not in physical pain when you died, I hope you were not frightened, and did not have second thoughts after it was too late. I hope when you looked back on memories of our friendship, they were fond memories. I will always look back fondly on our friendship. I miss you so much. I mourn alone here for you. Haha, remember when we got "internet married"? Or when we put that huge vagina on Justin's background? I can't put on mascara without thinking of you, remember when I laid it on its side, and you thought it would spill out? I'm going to miss how well you imitated the sound of conan hitting the concrete from that episode of south park, and when you called John McCain "Bananas".

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