TMI. Redundant.

I've been contemplating masturbation. I know. It's more than that, though. Let me tell you, 3lbs will do a TON for ones self esteem. I am not a size 6, which is twice what I was at 17. I didn't feel sexy at 17 for who knows what reason, maybe it was how I grew up, maybe it's just how most teenagers who had an awkward phase tend to be. Nevertheless, I look at my hips, my waist, and sometimes even my breasts and think "Wow". Mind you, this is not every day, and maybe particularly today because I'm ovulating. In general, I find myself to be sexy, alluring, and generally desireable in a nearly plus sized way (which is the sexiest, if you ask me). I need something. Watching Mad Men makes me consider smoking, but I don't think I ever could, for a variety of reasons, most of all being the smell. Plus, I've got a leech of a pretty daughter right now, which really leaves my only alone time being when I shower, and not always then. I'm cranky, I'm stressed, and I'm on the edge. I know of only one way to find relief, and I am going to have to do it myself. I'm probably going to have to find an online tutorial. I know, I've talked about this before, but going on 4 days is honestly more than I can bear. I may be a married woman, but I am almost 22, and I've got a lot of fire, and nobody is putting out the flame. I've got a Pin-board (pinterest) completely dedicated to Ryan Reynolds, and sometimes he slips into my 'Delicious' board, which is obviously still applicable. At this point, I'd get a job to pay for personal toys. I've got all these fantasies in my head, they leak into my dreams, and I wake up more frustrated than ever. And sometimes they include Ryan Reynolds, and sometimes people that make it uncomfortable (in my head) to see.

Friends.

Is it normal, in a marriage, to end up feeling more like friends than lovers? I feel so... rejected.
I don't even feel like we're BEST friends. Our relationship is so quiet. I feel like I'm bothering him all the time. Holding him back, and just plain annoying him. Sometimes, we have bouts of intimacy.
It's like he's avoiding it. Avoiding me. He's just not interested.
I'll be honest, before marriage, I'd have taken that disinterest to the bank, and cashed it in for an account with interest. Now, I have to roll with the punches.
At the moment, I just want to go to sleep, and wake up to a different tomorrow. I'm confident, and feeling sexy as ever. Yet, I cannot hold his interest.

And, I'm pent up. Ya know?

My Mother always made it clear that I have to uh, "take care of my man". So, what about me? Hey! Weilder of the lap rocket, yeah you! Can I get some time?.
Seriously.

Hello, again!

I'm sorry blog, I know it's been a while, but lately I've been so busy.
Things have been going quite well around here, and so I've spent my time enjoying life, and not sitting nose deep in my phone, blogging about how much things need to change.
Right now, everything is pretty good.
Other than insomnia and a splitting headache! Oh, well. I can't even be mad about that.
I get lovin', and often! We walked to the dog park today, and had a great time with Saleen. More updates later. Headache taking over >_<

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Caloo-calay!

Husband and I have had several open conversations.
When I told him about wanting a toy, he said it was okay.
Wow.
He followed by saying that he hadn't realized that it was at that point. And he wanted a 'second chance' before I bought one.
He said "you weren't thinking about a rabbit, were you?"
*silence*
"But those REPLACE guys! This is supposed to be something to tide you over, not REPLACE ME!"
He chalked his libido up to stress. Which, I can totally understand.
He just never said that was the reason before.
Now that he has, I can understand.
He would always come up with some other excuse.
But, we had an amazing weekend. I'm hoping that more days will be like this weekend.
Is this all post deployment re-integration? He's been back since October.
Anyway, there is some light. He's talking to me about his feeling, and what's up. Just talking to him, and knowing what is going on makes me feel so much closer to him. Which is really all I want.
To not feel pushed away. :)

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My blog should be labled TMI.

I hate it. If it only happened sometimes, fine.
But often are the nights (weekends) that go by where you talk dirty, and don't follow through.
Women can get 'blue balls' you know.
We're the married couple with no intimacy.
We don't cuddle. He NEVER wants to make-out. He doesn't even like it. More than 3 kisses is 'enough'.
We never hold hands. When I talk sweetly, he never talks sweetly back.
I only ever hear "I love you".
When we do become intimate, it's not like it used to be.
He doesn't look at me like he used to.
And... Oral is the only thing he ever wants. And asks for.
Sure, he's a good man. He provides for his family.
Maybe I am selfish for wanting more.
I don't feel sexy anymore.
I don't feel wanted.
What a bad place that is to be.
"If My husband doesn't think I'm sexy, if it all fell apart, would anyone?"
Today, Chris was waving a thong of mine around. I told him to put it away before Kurt saw.
Kurt is all "What? Lemme see!" He threatened to go in the laundry room and look for whatever it was.
So, I told him.
Wow. He acted completely revolted.
I expected and 'ew' or 'oh' or 'ahh!'
But he acted disgusted to his core.

On another note. Chris said something the other day that is still eating at me.
"I Think Annabelle helps our relationship, if she wasn't here, I wouldn't care so much if I pissed you off"
Going on to say that he would push shit further more often if she wasn't there to see it.

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Tides.

You know what I have really had enough of?
Our parenting style differences.
When she cries, I hold her.
Maybe that's why she almost NEVER comes to you for comfort.
You stare at her. She's down stairs crying for 10min with you.
Staring OBVIOUSLY isn't solving ANYTHING.
"She Wants you" and "She wants Mamma" are true. In a way.
YOU can comfort her. Nutritionally, she doesn't need boobie anymore. It's primarily a comfort thing.
It's like you don't understand how to comfort her.
Like when she starts to wake up- ex:
Me: *rock/pat the baby*
You: *let arm be still as possible, and look at her and say Hi*
Then I take the baby, rock her to sleep, and you are astonished she's sleeping again. She didn't have a nap. It's 8:30.
What did you expect?
It breaks my heart to BF her in public. Because of the way YOU look at me.
You can't handle her dumping a drink at the store.
Ugh. I can't stay on this subject anymore.
Oh, and if you find the 'Mine' to Yours&Mine that I've been using all by myself, you won't be very happy, I'm sure.
Wait until I have a rabbit ( not the fuzzy lop-eared kind) that I hide, too.

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*TMI- Bush

Fuck it.
I took a nice relaxing bath today, and during such, I noticed that my yard needed maintaining.
I generally keep it 'neat' and what one would call a 'landing strip'.
So, I meticulously shaved, AWWWL up around there. Nice and neat.
Soft to the touch, and inviting.
For what? My flightline is rarely ever used. Nobody is landing on the strip.
Honestly, until bikini time, taking the time to maintain a ne'er used area, and dealing with occassional razor burn and ingrown hairs, is soo a waste of my time.
Seriously. I know there are women whose husbands are deployed and just wish to have him next to them, sex or not.
But something is wrong with me.
I'm horny ALL the time!
And I live on a Marine Corps base. Switching to deserts soon.
So my appitite is going to exceed what it is now, which is already difficult to satiate.
My vagina is going on strike. I'm not working on the merkin until I get some regular.
Or the vibrator I've been asking for, which is not seen as 'important'.
But 'tuning in' a Mt.Bike is.
And the vibrator doesn't need a lovely landing strip.
You know, Hubs always wanted me to grow my hair out.
Of course, I am well aware I've taken that out of context.
This is why Kurt doesn't keep up with my blog.
Smart guy.
Sorry about your eyes, readers :/

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