Saturday, September 4, 2010


I lay here. The room is semi-dark, or semi-light; who can say, really? I realized, talking to the cable lady, how very numb I can be sometimes. Whatever. Sure. That's Fine. Christ, where is my fire? Those are the words that come out of my mouth. Fuck, you'd hate to see me in person. I walked around the block 3 times before going to the mailboxes because I didn't want to look like an idiot shoving my various keys into every box. Yes, because circling the block, talking to a sleeping baby didn't make me look like a moron.
Not to mention that I still didn't figure out which fucking mailbox is mine. What do I care, anyway? All off our bills are viewed and payed online (via droid), and nobody is sending me a damn letter. Virtually nobody know my address. I don't do much of anything anymore. I do the same thing every-damn-day. Wake up, pee, let dogs out, coffee, breakfast, feed dogs, snacks, dogs out, lunch, nap/shower, dinner, bedtime. All while watching a cycle of borrowed movies. I have shit I NEED to get done, but I am unsure of how to do it exactly- because I have never had to. So in fear of looking like a moron, I don't do it. Which MAKES me a moron. I guess it can be attributed to being ill-suited for 'single-mom' life. That's the primary issue, being a nursing Mother, I have to take Belle everywhere with me. I have to hold her. Even if she COULD walk, she'd wander off and put crap off of the floor into her mouth.
Having to take a baby with you everywhere makes you a walking pain-in-the-ass. I have a re-deployment briefing-thingy to go to, and they are making it pretty clear that you can't bring your child. I'd REALLY like to go to this. But put in the position; I'd rather not go than leave my baby with strangers. It would be different if she was of 'playing with others' age, I'd be gone and back before she even knew it. Right now, she would probably cry the entire time.

I know he wants to come home, and be all over me all the time. Which is great and all, but part of me wants to hand him his kid, drive to Atlantic Beach, and watch the waves for an hour. I'm so tired of constantly worrying about the next thing. Constantly waiting for the next thing. Maybe if upcoming obstacles weren't so forseen, because obstacles, and money are all run my life. All the things we don't/won't have money for, all the shit we need money for. I fucking hate money. I hate that everything costs money. 'Teach a Man to fish'? but you have to buy him a license to do it.
Sometimes the bullshit of it all makes me mad enough to desire a 'roughing it' lifestyle. Sometimes.
I hate that everything in this goddamn house is fucked up. Which would bring me back to my 'Shit-I-need-to-do-but-don't' list. A random-ass leak in the hallway. Awesome.
Sometimes I think that maybe I should just go. Sometimes I feel like I do not have the right tools in my 'life tool-bag' for this. That my anger caused by a constant state of anxiety, is only going to negatively impact the lives of those around me.
I wonder if the person I want to be will ever be the person I am. Honestly, it feels impossible.
I'm going to try and sleep this mood away.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.2

No comments:

Post a Comment

Search This Blog