Sunday, August 22, 2010

The First Week Home.

Woah, I don't want to get ahead of myself. To really understand how VERY happy I am to be in a box filled house with shitty cell service (no sarcasm), you have to understand how FUBAR the trip, and prepping for it, was.
My Grandpa, bless his heart, means well. Oh yeah, you SO know where THAT statement is going.
I tried to tell him I did not need his help packing the trailer. I knew that it would be easier to do myself. I was right.
I thought 'I'll cram everything in the kitchen so he'll know EXACTLY what needs to go on the trailer'.
Two hours later, the trailer is tied down, and half my stuff, including HALF of the crib+parts is STILL in the kitchen.
GRRREEEEAT! So, I call my Traveling buddy (the SIL) and she says 'bring what is left over in the vehicle, and we'll pack it right.'
(the dogs were at her house to run off some energy before the trip, so the back of the exploder was empty).
I get up at 5am, and open every door to the explorer, because it's dark, and I can't see (bad, bad idea). So, 30min in to what is becoming a very failed attempt at cramming everything in my vehicle, I txt my SIL. She notices, from the tone of my text, I am having a total meltdown.
She and my BIL come over and fix it all.
And by ALL, I ALSO mean Jumpstart my vehicle because I kept all the doors open, and killed the battery :D I'm a winner.

The trip itself was pretty smooth, except the part where I got really tired, and the trees started to move and look like swimming whales.
Then we commited a misdemeanor and smuggled the Dogs into a No-dog hotel for the night. But it doesn't count, we weren't caught.
Plus, I woke up that morning with the Chills from a nice bit of Engorgement, Belle hardly nursed the entire trip. I was freezing, and woke up 1hr after falling asleep, and had a good time on the potty. I seriously considered going out in the Carolina heat in a sweater.
After all the circle running housing had me do, I had to call maint. to fix the AC. It took them hours, of course.
AND, who lables the HOT water spigot with a BLUE knob? It took them 2 days to fix the leaky washer spigots.
Plus, the couch is in the garage, and will be until Lovesband gets home to figure it into the house. And my SIL ripped one of her toenails clean off, and bled all over my carpet lol. She Cleaned it up :).
The dogs have poo'd 3 times in the house, and Belle pee'd on me RIGHT before the VTC.

Deployment, PLEASE be over.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.2

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.2

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Movin' right along...

Tomorrow morning, I head home. I don't know what it looks like, but I do know what I get to cram in it! I am excited to BE there.
The ride, I am dreading. Small baby+long car ride= STRESSED MOMMY! plus.... the dogs....
But it's all worth it!
Soon, this deployment will be over.
He will be home, in my arms.
We will go to walmart together.

Yes, my expectations are simple.
He will drive 99% of the time (the way he likes it, can ya blame him??)
He will kill the spiders.
We will watch movies.
He will not have an end table (he is a vicious sleeper and knocks drinks off of his end table).
Put deployment behind us, we spent enough time living it, why spend all kinds of time talking about it? I know he doesn't want to.
I want to relax, be a family, get some BC and do it.
I cannot wait for my bed. I miss not being stabbed by springs.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.2

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Unforgiven II.

Today is a weak day. Actually, it did not exactly start that way, and it might be more of tomorrow than it was today, so be prepared.
Unusually enough, the one thing that should bother me, does not. I do feel really good about that. It is something I have been working to move past. I just may have.
Most of the reason that 'insult' doesn't bother me is because it is from a mouth that I would expect it to come from.
There are two insults/judgements that I got that came from mouths I did not expect them to.
That is what I get for having Expectations.
There are days, and more than I like, where I look in the mirror and I ask myself 'Who. Who are you? How did you get to be this person?'. I don't have a good answer. And sometimes I don't think that poorly of myself, not in the last 2 years, really.
If we are not what we say and do, what then, are we?
Our thoughts and feelings come out in our words and actions.
They are not always pretty.
Despite that, there is one person who I know loves me just as I am.
Honestly, I don't think I give him enough credit. He would say 'I'm not all that great, I just love you', see, that's it exactly. He just loves me. He loves me with an unconditional love that is rarely seen between a Husband and a Wife. Look back in the blog, we've been through a lot. But, to this day he looks at me with the same sweet, loving eyes he did years ago. The look that says 'I'm still madly head-over-heels for you'.
I am not always the best WEEF, but he'll always say and believe that I am.
Being the best person, and best Wife I can be is driven by his unwavering love.
And lots of sex.
So, I don't care that you judge me, and frown upon words I say, or things I do. Hey, I'm not fucking YOU. So, it's of little consequence.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.1

Today is AMAZING!

Can I get a sarcasm button on that? I have 3, THREE days to be 100% ready to move. I have essentially NOTHING packed. On the bright side, the Trailer is ready for the Haul.
Last night I'm all 'Tomorrow, I'm going to get my ass in gear!'.
The power has been out since about 9am, and it's now 11:20am. No toaster waffles today. No Elmo to entertain the midget. Speaking of midget, she has decided that today is Scrrreeeeeaaaam anytime Mommy is more than 2ft away.
I'm cranky, and hot. The dogs left me gifts this morning, and I am feeling very run-down and dejected.
I need to get my ass re-vamped.
I need to do laundry, and well, that's not possible.
I hate gas stoves for this reason, also.
At least I have the music on My Android, and the Mothership can charge it when needs it.
Also, I am annoyed with EVERYBODY. With the exception of Lovesband. Other than that, I AM annoyed with EVERYONE. I'll get over it, just don't be dumb enough to ask 'what did I do?', because I'll answer, and we'll never speak again.
Am I home yet?
Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.1

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


As someone recovering from self-mutilation, and teenage development of frontal lobe, I really can't stand 'post-teenage' angst. If you have ACTUAL problems, go fucking talk to somebody, otherwise- shut down your pity party, and grow the fuck up.
I do not have pity for you. Please do not invite me to your pity party. 'God, I'm such a fuck up, I can't do anything right, everybody hates me'.
You know why people become annoyed with you? because you need constant reassurance that you aren't a fuck up, and it gets old, really quick, and normal people don't want to deal with it.
Here is a secret: most people fuck things up, and it's all about how you deal with it. a) put on your big girl/boy undies and move on. b) freak out.
In reality, you just enjoy the attention that comes from being a total basket-case all the fucking time.
I know well adjusted people who were molested for YEARS by a parent. So don't act like your 'issues' are that big. You're just a whiney baby.
It's time to be an adult now and take responsibility for your actions. You can't blame all your actions on your so-called issues, to people on the outside, it's an OBVIOUS cop-out, especially when you KNOW what you are going to say/do is going to be wrong, and everyone can see that you thought about it before you said/did it.
Yeah, then talk about what a fuck up you are, and the cycle begins again.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.11

Monday, August 9, 2010

Mission Is FUBAR!

I'm supposed to be set and ready to get our happy asses to NC by the 15th. I have NOTHING WHATSOEVER done that will get me to this goal. Not to mention the fact that I have all kinds of crap that needs to be done to the trailer *le sigh*. From one minute to the next, I have no friggin' clue what is going on. Here's hoping that I can get shit straightened out.
I should be sleeping, but how can I sleep with so much on my mind?
I'm going to have to move past some things in my life, and be okay with some things. I just can't go on living with all thses monkeys on my back! Do you ever feel that way?
It's a lot like the moment I realized that the anger I held towards my Dad controlled me. I hated him. Not because of all he did, and all he didn't do, but because he thought everything was fine, and denied it all, or said that ALL families were that way. He will never understand the torment that he put me through. My moments of weakness. I was so angry at him for that. It consumed me. I had to let it go. There is more to live for than anger and resentment.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.11

Friday, August 6, 2010

A Boring-Ass Update.

The home we are getting is perfect. I just know it is. It's not the Slocum one we were supposed to get, but it has CARPET! Exactly what the Lovesband wants. Even so, I can be clichè and say that 'Any Home Is Perfect, As Long As It Is Ours'. Even if it is Government Military Base Housing, and only ours for the next 2 years.
I had a dream last night. 'Scuzband' (lovesbands not-so-loveable nickname ;) ) let his Mother live with us. Needless to say (except to him, apparently :/ ) I left him. And also found someone else. Which fits the criterion for my dreams; hint: Not Zombie Apoc. Interestingly enough, the dream was red. Everything Monochromatic REDS. I've never had a red dream before.

Next Week is crunch time.
I'm really stressed out about it.
The large reason I decided to move earlier than planned was to see Zanne. Unfortunately, that probably isn't going to happen. Which totally sucks, but I'll have lots of time to set up the house... Hey, I'm making attempts at looking on the bright side here. I wish Zanne could stay, but I know that's not an option. It sucks, A LOT.

I'm the kind of person who, if left to their thoughts, will go crazy. I used to paint. I would stay up all night and paint. Now, I don't have that option. I don't have time during the day to paint, either. I've been thinking hard about not having any more children. Ultimately, when I feel like it's time, it'll be time. Who knows when that will be. I need some time to be ME. Anyone who tells you that you can be the same person you were before you had a baby is WRONG. They must be having someone else raise their Children. When you have ALL day to yourself, you can do a lot, or do NOTHING. Somehow, these days, I don't accomplish much of either. I love being a Mommy. I love seeing her discover, and helping her learn about herself and her world. As she gains independence, so do I. I let her play with toys on her own while I tweet, or pee, or scarf down a box of Pad Thai.
Tomorrow is hanging at the Beach. I'm really stoked about it :D! Some sun, some water, and chillin' out. Makes me want a hot dog.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.9

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Today, I ROCKED adulthood!

Yes, I am a champion. I did everything I was supposed to do today (which includes some, but not all, on the pictured list).
I don't like doing important things by myself. I get nervous about it, and feel like my uncertainty will cause people to be mean to me (like some people I know).
Today I had to do a few important things by myself. To say I was terrified is a gross understatement. I have to take Belle, which makes it 746739474% more nerve-wrecking.
But I did it, and people were VERY nice to me :).
I got the trailer weighed.
It took me 20min to back out of the driveway.
and a good 10 to turn around at the salvage yard (with people watching my serious failure).
I took the Trailer to my SIL's house.
I got the Trailer titled, registered, and plated.
And got to Olive Garden at a reasonable time.

And, if Chris and I ever split, at least I'll have a Trailer in my name I can live in. I hear you can do a lot with 6'x8'.
I feel like an Adult. Remember this when I whine about going grocery shopping by myself.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.9

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Zombie Apocalypse.

I often feel very lost in my own thoughts. Today I had a conversation with My Mom. This particular conversation is one that NO person should have with their Mom. Ever. I can't/won't go into detail, it's that bad. But it warrants a phone call to my sister. And don't ask, you'll only end up seriously disturbed.
Do you know what I dream of? Of course you don't. Well, YOU do, but that's different. I dream of two things:
1) Zombie Apocalypse.
Why? I have no idea. I like zombie movies. But I hate the nightmares. It's just me and Belle, and I have to try and protect us both, and keep her quiet. I have no Combat Skills. If you want to believe that dreams mean something, I'm going to go with this: I fear situations I cannot control. Particularly ones that will obviously have a negative outcome for me. Situations where I am defenseless, terrified, and in that Fight-or-Flight state. It could all be bullshit and just electrical impulses and something to do with my dendrites, who can say?
2) Romance.
It's not just sex. It's the way he looks at me, the way he says my name. It's that lucid feeling, where I can feel myself get goosebumps; in my dream. It's like I'm Scarlett O'Hara, and you're Rhett Butler (except it ends better). *swoon*. This ultimately (that's probably spelled WAY wrong, it looks funny) leaves me feeling lonely, and very hot-and-bothered. I think these dreams are pretty straight forward. But maybe it's like 'If you dream you're pregnant, it signals someone is sick or dying'.
I think I'm going Crazy.
Patient at Mental Hospital Says: "We had Ice Cream Sundaes for dessert, I thought there were too many nuts"

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.9

Monday, August 2, 2010

Title half as long as post.

I should probably do something tomorrow. I haven't done much of anything this week (sofar). and suddenly, I am very tired. and pretty bummed.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.9

Gone With The Wind.

I will never have 'it all figured out'. At least not all of the time. There are moments when I feel as if I have all my ducks in a row; until I turn around to find they are gone. Either I am doing it wrong, and I need to change something until it all feels right, or this is just the way it is. For me, anyway. I wish somebody could tell me how to feel (remember, wishing is for dreamers, and dreaming is useless). I always asked God to give me peace, but he has not. Maybe it's my fault.
I guess it doesn't matter. Seriously, why would it? I don't need a lot of people to care. Honestly, who cares about my blog? Who cares about my deep feelings? Me. That's who.
Hey, you know who would tell me how to feel, My Mommy. Which is probably why I don't ask her.
What a contradiction.
FACT: I am a walking, talking, contradiction.
Maybe it's just because I am equipped with a Vagina. Maybe it's just me.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.9

A Conversation With My Dad. Translated.

How do I begin? How about I just leave some stuff out.
We'll start with the fact that I STILL have yet to clean ricey-poop from the dog crate. And due to their rampage yesterday, it was not the last pile.
I had a 'lovely' conversation with my sperm donor. I'm not going to tell you what was actually said, I'm going to translate it into what was meant.
SD: Hi, I'm a bit tipsy, and bored as fuck, so I thought I would call to whine and talk about myself, because I know you care.
ME: I don't fucking care, and talking to you is on my list, right below 'have an enema'.
SD: Anyway, I'm trying to figure out my emotions and issues, I'm using a combination of angry emails to your mother (which you pointed out was a bad idea) and lots of Alcohol. it's working great! I'm sometimes working, but not really. I'll get work, mostly because everybody likes me.
ME: nobody fucking likes you.
SD: You know, this isn't going the way I planned.
ME: No way.
SD: Yeah, and I know how you love being around drugs and intoxicated people. So come to the jammnight, and watch me play, because I'm fucking awesome, especially when I'm stoned and drunk.
ME: I'm pretty sure you guys just sound like cats in heat.
SD: Sometimes I'm A prick when I drink.
ME: A fucking revelation. bye, fuckbag.

So, I'm supposed to go out to Ferndale and smile and nod. Honestly, I don't want to break his poor little delusional heart. So mostly, I just nod and smile.
Deployment will end soon. I plan to tune the world out. At least until Christmas.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.9

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Somebody, Punch Me.

There are days, such as today, where I am so angry. I feel so overwhelmed, and I am mad at everybody. There are days, where I am bitten, and I get so very angry. It hurts like a bitch, especially when it is your nipple.
There are days where I think she won't ever wean. And I get so frustrated because I feel like a bad parent for not transitioning her correctly. Like co-sleeping, I feel like, at this point she should be able to sleep by herself. I can't just put her in her crib to cry. I just can't. No matter how little sleep I get with her kicking me all night.

Sometimes I resent people. I feel like wifes/girlfriends who do not have children shouldn't try to relate to my feelings. Yes, deployment is hard. Deployment with child(ren) involved, I'd have to argue is harder. I don't get a break. Yeah, my child looks happy and fun in public, but she's a baby; there are times that she is not happy. Fact of life.
Sometimes, I think people like to wallow in their 'issues'.
I think a lot of people use illnesses as a cop-out.
You know who doesn't, My Mom. She has RA and works her ass off.
I get really pissed off when I want to be left alone, and then people badger the shit out of me. Sometimes, I just need to be left alone. Seriously. No, you self-centered prick, it isn't about YOU!
But no, I don't have any problems. And if I did, everyone else would have larger problems. More important/Serious problems.
Fuck Problems. That's life. Get over it.
I'm done.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.9

Search This Blog