Sunday, September 25, 2011

.. .. .

I have made an executive decision. I told my Husband that he WILL NOT com home unless he has gone to the gym that day.
It is NOT because I do not think he is sexy. I am very attracted to my Husband.
The problem is that he does not feel sexy.
This causes conflict with the 'Very attracted to Husband' fact seen above.
How frustrating that fact may be is nothing in comparison to the sadness I felt when 'we' finally came to this conclusion. He knew all along, but felt he could not tell me.
From a female standpoint, when your Husband doesn't want you, you assume it's you. At least after a significant amount of time. So I obviously felt it was me that was not up to par in the physical attractiveness, I am a Mom... it takes its toll.
When have I become the person he could not talk to?
He's been to the gym once so far (which was Thursday, and I told him Wednesday night he had to gym it up). I am hoping this yields positive results. I don't care if he's ripped, or even trim.
I can't take the day-to-day banter without.... occasional closeness.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


I have to prepare myself for a life with very few friends.
I am not saying that there is anything wrong with the world, or wrong with me. It just is.
It's not what I want, but it just is. I need something to look forward to, a reason to get off the couch. Right now, I am trying. I am trying very hard to come up with things that will make my world turn, because it feels like it isn't.
I don't feel like I am good at anything, I feel lazy, and don't have a high self esteem. I need to fix that.

Friday, September 2, 2011

TMI. Redundant.

I've been contemplating masturbation. I know. It's more than that, though. Let me tell you, 3lbs will do a TON for ones self esteem. I am not a size 6, which is twice what I was at 17. I didn't feel sexy at 17 for who knows what reason, maybe it was how I grew up, maybe it's just how most teenagers who had an awkward phase tend to be. Nevertheless, I look at my hips, my waist, and sometimes even my breasts and think "Wow". Mind you, this is not every day, and maybe particularly today because I'm ovulating. In general, I find myself to be sexy, alluring, and generally desireable in a nearly plus sized way (which is the sexiest, if you ask me). I need something. Watching Mad Men makes me consider smoking, but I don't think I ever could, for a variety of reasons, most of all being the smell. Plus, I've got a leech of a pretty daughter right now, which really leaves my only alone time being when I shower, and not always then. I'm cranky, I'm stressed, and I'm on the edge. I know of only one way to find relief, and I am going to have to do it myself. I'm probably going to have to find an online tutorial. I know, I've talked about this before, but going on 4 days is honestly more than I can bear. I may be a married woman, but I am almost 22, and I've got a lot of fire, and nobody is putting out the flame. I've got a Pin-board (pinterest) completely dedicated to Ryan Reynolds, and sometimes he slips into my 'Delicious' board, which is obviously still applicable. At this point, I'd get a job to pay for personal toys. I've got all these fantasies in my head, they leak into my dreams, and I wake up more frustrated than ever. And sometimes they include Ryan Reynolds, and sometimes people that make it uncomfortable (in my head) to see.

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