Wednesday, June 22, 2011


Do you ever find yourself different, and not even know that you had changed? I'm there. Lovesband has been put on RBE for this field op. This means, while everyone returns home Fri-Sun, he will return Tues-Wed. Am I bummed? A bit. Want to know a secret? I am really enjoying this ME time. I think I've needed some space. I just have been feeling so much pressure, and like I am not living up to the "standard" lately. I've been angry all the time. It is nice to have this cool-off period. Plus, I can do things on MY time, I don't expect anyone else to do things, like assist with dishes, or laundry. I don't have to deal with things being put where I can't seem to find them. I don't have to not do things because he doesn't feel like it. If I want to go to the Park with Belle, but he doesn't, I look like a jerk if I go "without" him. Idk. I'm just blah.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


Part of me can't wait for October 13th 2012. Sure, I've met some great people, but the distance between us and regular civilians is too wide a gap.  It's been almost 3 years, I can say I am good friends with 2 people in real life. One is an hour away, and the other is moving 2,800miles at the end of the month. Other than that, I don't know anybody. Maybe it's my fault. I try to be social, but people just seem to not want to know me. I say "let me know when is good for you!"
And they never let me know. I see them out and about doing things with other people. I can't help but be jealous. I am not jealous because they have a friend that is not me, I am jealous that they have what I want. Friendship.
Suzanne would have been perfect. Had she not been insane. She was a 22y/o BFing Mom. Her daughter a month younger than mine. We cooked together, went to panera. She was in a deployment almost over, I was about to enter one.
Alas, she lost her cookies. I knew she wasn't perfect, I knew she lied, I knew she suffered with anorexia, and borderline personality disorder, and I accepted all of that. We were friends for almost a year.
I knew I could always call Suzanne. She could always call me. I would always answer, or call RIGHT back.
I am just starting to feel closed off from the world.
Like they don't want me anymore.
I want a friend who knows that a favor is not an imposition, that they don't owe me anything in return but friendship.

Friday, June 10, 2011


I've spent the night crying.
I'm so pathetic. How did I ever wind up to be so lost, and so angry?
All I ever wanted was QUALITY TIME. In this military life, in this day and age, Quantity in relation to time is really unrealistic. You can spend all the time you want with someone, and never get anything from it. We are coming in on a few week seperation, and you would think that we would try to spend a lot of good quality time together.
Right now, I am struggling so much.
How many different ways can I put it?
I NEED your QUALITY TIME to feel loved, and some words of affirmation would also be appreciated. You? I honestly don't know what you want, besides your bike, anymore.
The point is, without you spending some meaningful time with me, and reminding me I am important, I do not feel loved.
What, is the simple fact that you're here supposed to prove to me that you care? It doesn't.
I say "hey maybe we can go to the pool tomorrow!" Because we can't go to the Ocean, we are broke, so I am trying to think of free, fun things to do. You look at me with a face that says "yeah, how about we don't" and mumble something about not liking public pools. Yeah, this conversation happening at the park, which you're not enjoying either.
The past few nights,  we've settled into sitting on opposite sides of the room, doing different things, not paying attention to eachother at all. You're on, and I'm only watching whatever I'm watching on NetFlix to pass the time until you're done. But when you're done, you go to bed. The baby sleeps, and you want nothing to do with me.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Asses and Elbows.

It's been ages since I've gotten the motivation to work out.
Today, such motivation hit. I went full throttle into some Insanity Abs with Buddy, who is my usual work out companion. I was doing quite well, if I do say so myself. Though, during the work out there are many a manuver done on the floor, leaned back a bit, with your legs flailing about in some manner.
You don't want to know the rest, but lucky you; I'm going to tell it.
I received rug burn at the very top of my ass-crack. It's not pretty. It hurts like hell whenever my cheeks rub together (WHICH IS ALWAYS).
To top it off, I have rug burn on my elbows from some low plank positioned flailing. So, now it just looks like I've had some wild sexual tryst recently. I mean, had it just been my posterior, nobody would really know, but until the elbow burn goes away...
I'll wear different pants tomorrow, and figure out somethinng for my poor elbows.

Love Language Lies

Once upon a time, a day before we got married, Lovesband and I took the 5 Love Languages Test.
When we did, we both got quality time as our Love Language. Perfect, right? Yeaaaah, not so much.
I think, when Lovesband filled it out, he was either putting down what he thought I would want him to put down, or he was in a post-boot camp/pre-MCT/getting married romantic high.
I just feel that this is not his language.
I think we should take the class offered through MCCS.
Have you taken it?

Man ayes a lotta Mayonnaise in my hair...

SO, I tried some mayo, egg yolk, and olive oil in my hair.
I noticed no difference.
Maybe it will be different for you?

Ant Repellant- I conclude.

Remember when I posted about that Ant Repellant I made a while back?
I have no idea if it worked. The results are a bit inconclusive.
Before we applied the repellant, we (BFFF and I) DEEEEEP cleaned the house. Under appliances, and I even mopped the wall.
Then, I accidentally left a Zebra Cake (BFFF is not a Zebra Cake fan) wrapper out on the porch. It attracted 1 cockroach and 485743 ants.
But, since then, and the application of the "Repellant", I haven't seen a single ant in the house.
It's a nice alternative to harsh chemicals, I suppose. Does it really work? I'm not sure.
Yeah, what an awesome post.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


I am at a crossroads in my life. I am trying to become who I want to be, and not be who I was before. A me that, to this day, Lovesband is still uncovering. It's not easy. If I said I don't struggle daily inside of myself, I would be lying. I am succeeding (as of late) at pushing the negative parts of that old me away, and keeping parts of her that I like. My life tends to be riddled with "What if?". I work a lot on focusing on all that is good in my life, to keep from looking on the past. I have many blessings. It's unfair to look on the past on the idea of things that may not have even been good, when, unlike some of the world, I have so many great things in my life, right? I wonder if I will always have this struggle. If I will ever just BE who I want to be, or if I will always have the other side of me rapping at my windows.

Saturday, June 4, 2011


Is it normal, in a marriage, to end up feeling more like friends than lovers? I feel so... rejected.
I don't even feel like we're BEST friends. Our relationship is so quiet. I feel like I'm bothering him all the time. Holding him back, and just plain annoying him. Sometimes, we have bouts of intimacy.
It's like he's avoiding it. Avoiding me. He's just not interested.
I'll be honest, before marriage, I'd have taken that disinterest to the bank, and cashed it in for an account with interest. Now, I have to roll with the punches.
At the moment, I just want to go to sleep, and wake up to a different tomorrow. I'm confident, and feeling sexy as ever. Yet, I cannot hold his interest.

And, I'm pent up. Ya know?

My Mother always made it clear that I have to uh, "take care of my man". So, what about me? Hey! Weilder of the lap rocket, yeah you! Can I get some time?.

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