Friday, December 31, 2010

Leave Dec 2010. Part 1.

It didn't start out a disaster. Somehow, thus far, it is a disaster.
The drive itself was fine. Albeit a long 24hour drive including stops.
Lovesband didn't gripe and complain about how long we rested whenever we stopped, like he did last time.
We got in around noon, and went to see Mom.
Blah blah. Normal and regular.
Then The SIL read my Twitter feed.
SIL knows nothing of twitter before this. And would have never stumbled upon it.
What pissed her off?
A comment about her Dad (Who she knows I dislike) being Grumpy.
A comment about me not liking the gift she helped Chris pick out for me.
A comment about how I thought Chris would want a full memory foam pillow and not just foam core.
Hey, I thought it was polite not to say those things to people. And I said them to people who will never speak to the SIL.
Oh, and SILs DH has a BIG problem w/me BFing in the same room as him.
So there's that.
And it just so happened that the estranged inlaws were up from OK.
Which (at the time) was no big deal.
Yeah, until they decide they want to give Belle a rocking horse.
Here is something you need to know about the 'Okies', they are seriously screwed up.
Ex: They are racist Republicans (not saying all repubs are racist!) Who live off of 2 income sources 1) The government (unemployment, welfare yadda yadda) and 2) Andrew. Chris' oldest younger brother. His father passed away maybe 3yrs ago, and Andrew was given SSI or something. Anyway, half is to be used for raising Andrew (in place of his Fathers Child support) and the other half is to be put away for Andrew until he is 18.
They just suck all of it.
They sent me 2 gift baskets last year, 1 when Belle was born, and 1 for my birthday. Both were costly, and I had to hear about how their family went without.
Now, back to the horse.
They dropped it off at Chris' Uncles house for us to pick up. So we did not have to communicate with them.
I made it clear to Scuzband that I did not want it. He said "It's not Errics to deal with, we'll just pick it up"
No, no we won't. Call me a bitch, but I refuse to be near something meant as a 'gift' that caused their family to go without! Which I KNOW they did. I told Scuzband we should give it to Goodwill.
I also told Barb (who the 'Okies' were staying with) that she should tell Mrs.Okie my intentions.
You can bet she did.
Honestly, I thought they should have the opportunity to take the horse back. Which they did.
Along with that, people who were not even speaking to the Okies are now mad at me. Including SIL *EYEROLL*
She even said 'I see where you're coming from' to me, and something different to Scuzband. (Don't Worry, he'll go back to Lovesband eventually :])
Scuzband is now UBER livid. Erric is ticked-off. And lord only knows what Barb and Papaw think.
Apparently the comparison of "Would you accept a gift from Kim Jog Il and let your child play with it?" was not the right thing to say, and Scuzband and I had it out pretty hard over it.
As far as everyone else? They can kiss my ass!
After about 2hrs we made up.
I stand by everything I said and did. Why? Back up your decisions! I made the decision, I still think it was the right one. It would have softened the situation, and lead to the hell we were in before w/the Okies. Don't back down on something you believe is right.
Lastly, WE intended on having My Family Christmas on the 27 w/My Mom, SEESTER, and her family. Due to the coast being battered, my SEESTER had to delay her departure from VA.
Apparently it was highly important we inform the SIL of this.
We hadn't really brought it up. I explained the plan to Scuzband, and I ASSuMEd he'd relay the info by default.
Yeah, not so much.
So, they think we left due to all the bullshit, and not because we were originally intending on staying a few nights with my Mom. In fact SIL2 didn't even LOOK at us as she said bye.
They were all pretty pissy about the whole thing.
Mom made it clear "These women are two-faced. They are not your friend, they want to drive a wedge between you and him. They may act like your friend, but they just want him."
Sadly, she is right. SIL is always in our business about Money and so-such, and it makes me down right livid. So much so that I have made it CLEAR that I do NOT want her knowing about our finances.
She is always putting in her 2cents worth about what we should do, and where we should live. Pushing us to get an apartment when we moved to cherry point. And she's very pissed about us having NO plans to move back to Michigan.
Never EVER will we be staying there on leave.
I thought spending some time there would be good, they always complain about how we don't spend enough time with them.
But that's just not enough.
Anyway, Part two will be much MUCH more cheerful! iPromise
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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Mixed Emotions.

There is this tightrope we walk. This to-and-fro toss of happiness and resentment. Does everyone feel this way? Or are some couples genuinely happy more than 60% of the time?
There are times I cry myself to sleep, feeling shafted. All of the parental duties dumped on me.
This only truly bothered me when I was sick. I had a sinus infection for 3 weeks. It was un-freaking-real. I actually finished a bottle of Vicks Custom care, which I used to chase my tylenol. So I am sick, and guess what, so is the baby. But "I have to get up early" trumps "Green and yellow gunk is coming out of my nose and throat, and I can't hear a thing".
I cried. At 3am, I cried.
He had napped, too.
I try to read a story with my nieces, and Belle comes into the room, he follows, and leaves her there, to destroy the room while I try to get the girls to sleep. Me & all the girls, when you are perfectly capable of watching Belle through the Grinch stealing Christmas.

Of course, what keeps my spirits afloat is my Mommy :) She got me many thoughtful gifts. It's not so much that, it's that she believes I am easy to shop for. Because she knows me so well, and I know I am as dear to her as she is to me (and as Belle is to me). I never understood how dear I am to my Mommy, until I had Belle.
Yesterday we wrapped gifts together, talked, and laughed. It was good :)
I'm going to end the blog on a happy note. I don't type enough like that.
Merry Christmas <3
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Friday, December 10, 2010

An Ordinary Evening.

She feels warm enough, and yet my own feet cannot find heat. I have to assume it's a fever. Why not, it's been torturing me all week. I lie between the blankets in televisually lit room, watching her sift meticulously through toys and other various items on the floor. Grabbing one, inspecting it, pressing its buttons, turning its pages. Deciding it isn't more entertaining than what plays on the T.V., she moves on. Finally, selling on a large golden EGA.
I wait. Hour since the 2200 he went to bed, we are still awake. I'll get hell for it in the morning. We'll wake up hours later than his predetermined (and undisclosed) 'wake up' time, and he'll say the same thing he says about it every weekend. I've long since given up indignant feelings about it.
As soon as she nurses to sleep, I'll run downstairs and take more medicine: 1shot of Vick's something-or-the-other, and 2 Off-Brand Tylenol; it's all I can do to breathe while sleeping.
I don't know how the schedule ended up this way. I refuse to torment her by some futile attempt to force her to sleep or not according to when somebody thinks she ought to.
She will just scream, and I'll recieve dirty looks through droopy eyelids. Oh yes, we've been there.
This entire week I have claimed I am dying. Some invisible entity is crushing my sinuses with a specially designed vice. The Mucus Glob and his wife (From those Mucinex commercials) are residing in my lungs. And the Goodyear blimp has been replaced with a suitable stand-in; My head.
I'm either drugged up beyond comprehension, or to sick to know what's going on.
These feelings are only intolerable when the clock hits 0200.
She looks at me, flashes her squinty eyed, big-as-bears toothy grin. I smile back, she giggles, and resumes trying to chew the EGA.
It's either that, or she lies across my side, elbowing me between each and every rib.
I love her endlessly. My heart finds her to be mine, much more than is equal. There are only a handful of moments I can recall not spending with her.
It is nights like this that I honestly believe- It's you and me against the world, Monkey.
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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A Thought.

I was reading a blog by another Milspouse I follow on twitter. She was discussing the hardships her family is facing financially. Her husband is Marine Corps Reserves, and wanted to re-enlist for financial reasons. He's a SGT, 2 MOS's, and there is no 'room' for him, they are recruiting NEW Marines, and paying to train them, but not a well trained one.
This makes me worry.
Lovesband doesn't want to re-enlist, and I worry that, once we are in a financial crunch post EAS, and THEN he decides to re-enlist, there won't be 'room'.
Or don't.
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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

To Whom It May Concern

I want this feeling of perpetual lethargy to go away. I want to feel as if my heart is actually beating, because sometimes, I honestly wonder. Everyone is always tired. Those hours when our schedules cross, it's only dinner. Today, I saw you awake for 3hours total. I am tired of my life feeling like The movie 'Groundhog day'.
Being sick has not helped my morale. I know I can be me, but what do I do with that?
I need more energy. I seriously have to work on that. If anything is going to get done about my life, I'm going to have to do it myself.
And then.
Then we can see what is left when that dust settles.
Because -This- is not working for me.
Decidedly, I need a new mindset.
I have to do it my damn self.
Everything. I refuse to ask for help unless I cannot physically do it myself.
Please sickness, go away. I need to show the world I'm not fucking around anymore.
The world has a name.
And it's middle name is 'Patriarchal'.
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I am sick as a dog. I'm so sick, I can hardly sleep. My head is a giant throbbing balloon with razors flowing a steady burning stream through my sinuses. My chest is frozen in a corseted position filled with glass. And the only person who cares (beyond Belle) is Caity.
Caity is so kind, cleaning up my nasty snot rags, and she brought me soup yesterday.
I can see you from here. Sprawled across the bed. Taking every inch.
I hate being mad at you, but I fucking hate watching you sleep. "You Sleep all day"
Really? Because for a month I've been going to bed at 3 or 4am (because the baby would not sleep).
And today "if you weren't sick, you should have got up when I did."
"That's when most babies get up."
"Who? What babies?"
I AM NOT CANDYCE! I am raising my daughter just fine. I am so over this bullshit.
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Sunday, December 5, 2010


Tell a woman she's beautiful every day, she'll never believe you. Tell her she's fat, she'll believe it her whole life.
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Days come and go. So many pass by, and I wonder if it will always feel like 'Groundhog Day'?
There are so many days I feel like I can't win. I feel like I am fading into the background.
So many days, I feel underappreciated.
It's just one of those days.
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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Money sucks.

I am so overwhelmed. There is an ocean of things in waves of disorginization, they keep smacking against my shore. Money, Job, School, Baby, House- Repeat.
I try to feed my Family 'Good Food'. Ex. Homemade chili, stew, orange chicken, pot roast. These things always include plenty of veggies. We, of course, have a budget we like to stick to, and we have a list. This list includes all ingredents needed for the 2week pay period for each meal, also snacks. This pay period we spent $231.99
I finally looked up online "How much should a family of 3 spend on groceries?"
The average seems to be $400. Of course our budget includes hygine items, diapers, and this week a sale roasting pan (we keep buying disposable), and 2 toys for Toys For Tots.
But, I nearly lost it in the meat department.
I keep hearing about how much the grocery bill is. Looking at the prices of meat... I could hardly breathe. Thinking to myself "I can't. I just can't get that. What am I going to do? He'll see the meat, and he'll be so mad. I can't do this!"
We have to pay down our debt. I don't see what we are doing wrong.
Should I really be teaching my child to live off of Ramen noodles, mac and cheese, and hamburger helper?
The problem, as I see it, is the Loan(s), and 2 credit cards.
But right now, I am so tired of hearing about money. I'm going to just shut down.
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Wednesday, December 1, 2010


I have a splitting headache. I'm tired. And I'd like to curl up in my warm crowded bed and go nuh-night *weeps*
But, my baby is still up. Running around, playing, generally enjoying herself.
Don't tell me I need to keep her from napping. I just can't torment my child like that. I'd like for her to be tired at a reasonable hour, but I would like her to sleep when TIRED not just because it's time to. Like eating. Eat when you are hungry, not just because it's TIME to eat. I'm probably becoming ill, but I can tough this out.
It'll eventually get fixed, right?
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Monday, November 29, 2010

It's 3am.

Belle and I have been going to bed 'round about 3am, as of late. Dont ask me how it happened. It just did. Here we are, watching The Goodnight Show on Sprout. For the 3rd time. I'd like to adjust her schedule, but that also means adjusting mine. So, it's going to be a process. Momma is SUPER cranky when she doesn't get enough sleep. We've tried not letting her nap, but she passes out like a Witness with a Watchtower.
The only option is waking up earlier. I've tried earlier nap. But it does NOT happen.
From the beginning, we've let her run her own schedule, and it's worked for an entire year. But mostly since her random SCREAMING episode the other day, it's been 3am.
Before that, it was around 1am. Which wasn't all that bad.
But 3am?!? This is just unreasonable. Do you know what TIME we get up after a full 8hrs? It's like we never see daylight!
On an unrelated note, must babies always jam their elbows into your breasts? OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWCH!
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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Two best friends that anyone could have.

We're the two best friends that anyone could have!
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There are little bears on my feet!

A fellow Milspouse wrote a blog about being thankful. So I will, too.
Civillians do not understand this life.
When I was not a milspouse, I did not understand either. How can you comprehend what you will feel when put in situations your heart could not fathom?
Your family will not understand. They just don't.
You know who does? Another milspouse.
Erin, you've been through it all. Like, literally. Your knowledge and friendship has been priceless! I get to see you a few times a week, and I am currently getting paid for it. This is an Epic Win! You've been through everything I could go through, and you listen, and laugh with me about so much! You are wise well beyond your years!

Being a Mom and having a deployed spouse is like being tossed in a food processor. It chews you up, and spits you out, by yourself, repeatedly. I tried very hard to make friends, and until Caity, it just didn't work so well.
It's funny, I feel like, looking back, I missed Caity. Before I even knew her. To long for a friend who will stay up and watch Big Love w/you until 2am. Someone who I could have my feelings hurt by, and hurt their feeling, and love them enough to work through it, and not just drop the friendship. Someone who my husband got along with, too. Hell, he ENJOYS having Caity around! Which is new.
For a long time, I felt very alone, and like I was in a hole, where my only identity was wife, and mother.
Caity pulled my ass out of that hole. Thank, Twitter!
Now, I don't condone inviting someone you have never ever met to come live with you, but in this case, the reward is amazing.
Caity is my best friend ever. She saved me from my depression, and is indescribably the best friend ever.
I fucking Love you, Caitertot.
Oh, fuck it. I even love Kevin, too.
He's like the brother who deserves to have wedgies, but nobody else better pick on him!
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Monday, November 22, 2010

I said NEVER, baby!

I remeber my first (and only, so far) pregnancy, and how much I have changed.
I said "That baby is NOT sleeping in our bed!"
Now, I can't imagine it any other way.
The same with breastfeeding "After a year, I'm done!".
Belle is going to be 14mo (I hate the 'month' term. She's 1ish)
Anyway, still breastfeeding.

I understand and accept the way other people live. People who believe in 'Cry it out'.
But I don't.
Not because someone fed it to me, but because I felt, as a Mother, that this is what I need to do. I think mothers should do whatever they feel is best for their family. Find all the information, do whatever you do, and whatever you believe in for your family, and do it the very best you can!
My family says "You gotta get that baby out of your bed!"
Why? I wake up to smiles, not terrified cries.

But, I am a stay at home Mom, I work on her schedule, and that is best for MY family.
Yours may be different.
Either way, GO MOMMA!
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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Dumb Ideas

Here's a stupid idea: As an unlicensed Marine, get married to an unlicensed woman, and move into a place. Then rely on everyone else for everything.
Hows about you get a cab.
OR OR how about you marry someone in October that you met in February (eventhough you were deployed march11th-Oct1st).
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Sunday, November 14, 2010

marriage rant

Don't be a divorce SCREAMING to happen. If you met on the internet, or before getting married the larger part of your relationship was electronic- red flag.
It's okay to meet online.
But nothing replaces real life.
As Naomi and BobbAYY are finding.
And Suzanne and Joe found.
Nothing can tell you more about a person than IN person.
Lovesband and I knew eachother for 6 years.
8mo of dating at age 19??? Uhhh, RED FLAG!
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Friday, November 12, 2010

We Do Not Lead Glorious Lives.

I remember our DITY move to Cherry Point, North Carolina. My (then) PFC Husband and I drove the long journey from Michigan, with an Explorer, and a small trailer full of everything we owned.
I was 19 and around 6months pregnant.
We didn't have a couch, we didn't have a microwave; Actually, we didn't have much.
We had to put a house together, we had a baby coming, and only a bed, washer, and dryer to our name. Oh, and a diaper genie.
Money was tight, seperation pay was gone, but we hadn't gotten our food allowance yet. We actually had to pawn some of the small electronics we owned, scrounge that $70 and get food.
I was getting WIC, and for a while, we considered Food stamps.

Now, 2years later, we have it together. We have a bit more pay, and though we aren't rolling in it, we're making ends meet. The CPL, Belle, and I live a happy life, with food on the table, a couch, and finally (after 2 years w/o) some cable TV.
With all that the Military DOES provide, many people are completely unaware of what it does NOT provide.
My Husband serves his country, but makes less than $40,000 a year.
Tricare is free, but you have to see THEIR doctors, not your own. You must go through your Primary Care Manager (which changes like the seasons).
Dental is free to Active-duty, but the family must pay an extra $30 a month for dental, and eye EXAMS are free, but lenses and frames? That's all you.
Now, the Economy being as it is these days, People are losing jobs, taking pay cuts, and the cost of living keeps climbing to make up for the money companies need to offset their costs and so on.
The Military has done a decent job giving raises to keep up with the cost of living. The Military is at War. "America is not at war. The USMilitary is at War. America is at the Mall."
Yesterday was Veterans Day, and My Veteran and our friends and family celebrated at Applebee's. Free Meals for Active Duty and Veterans! While it is only one day a year, it shows how much a company appreciates what these Men and Women do for our country. We live in a Military Area, that place was PACKED, and hundreds of free meals were given by a smiling, appreciative staff.
If only the rest of America felt the same.
By that, I mean the Government.
Due to federal deficit (from the war), our USGov't is looking at ways to reduce spending. If you can guess from my long winded (so to speak) speech, they want to reduce spending in the Military (the ones fighting that war).
NOT ONLY do they want to freeze housing allowance and pay increases for 3 years, they also want to implement co-pays and extra costs into our healthcare. They want to cut benefits for veterans. There have already been plans to cut programs available to spouses while their servicemember is deployed, and now the servicemember gets shafted, too.
The Marine Corps is used to hard work, tradition, comitment, and courage- All without shine and sparkle. Marines do not wear Cammies (utility [work] wear) off post. Their dog tags are worn inside of their shirts. And from the moment they enlist, rank is never given, only earned.
But this?
Not to put down any other service, that is not my point. But I don't know all that much about traditions in the other branches.
I do know this: Each branch is full of hard working individuals, with families. Members who sign that blank check we hear about, and worry about. A check for their lives. Men and Women who love, and are willing to die for their country, their names to be forgotten.

We do not lead glorious lives. The only luxury we hold is falling in love again when he comes home. If. And Re-integration isn't easy. Who will defend what our servicemembers earn? If not the American Government, who?
Me, that's who.
How about you?
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Friday, November 5, 2010

I hate today.

I want to run away. It's likely I will not feel this way tomorrow, but it is also likely I will have the awesome chance to feel this way on another day. It's nearly 1am, The Baby is awake. Husband sleeps soundly. Both had a nap.
I tried to nap yesterday. All my plans were foiled. Even after hearing how terrible my day had been, YOU need a nap.
Today has been shit. Still, I cook a ham, I put towels in the wash, which I probably have to go put in the dryer. I take care of everything.
It's days like today when I am asking for help, like I'm screaming inside, and you aren't hearing me.
You bought alcohol, but can I get my nails done.
We'll see.
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Saturday, October 30, 2010


Apathy. Honestly, I just don't care. I don't see the point. It isn't like I don't care about him, or Belle- I totally do. But everything else? Why? Someone else wants to take care of it. He wants to take care of it. Money, Dog food- things we bicker about, things we have differing opinions on, why sweat it? Seriously? I've spent too much time playing tug-o-war about those things. Fuck it. I'm over holding on to those. I'm over stressing about them. I'm over stressing about a lot of things. Welcome to the 'Over-It' phase. If you hear IDC out of me, it's the truth. Look, Edward Scissorhands is on.
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Monday, October 4, 2010

Expectations- Part Deux

This moment is hard. I assumed things would change. Or, maybe i had dissillusioned ideas of what they had been, and subsequently would continue to be. Maybe it's just today. Either way, I need to vent it out.
Oh, Erin. You're so sweet to not laugh or shake your head about my ideas of reintegration. But, it's hard to make someone understand something they have never experienced. I would have been angry, and said "you don't know US. WE are different". Hm, maybe some other couple, somewhere; not this one. We are the same. This crap is hard. And I don't like the extra opinion about the money. I love him being home, but at times, it feels like he's a wrench in my gears.
First, you're promoted to executive. You have a bumpy go of it at first. Which is to be expected. You get the hang of it, and pretty much have it figured out, and are running things somewhat smoothly, on your terms. Then WHHHHHAAAAAM!! You are CO-executives with that guy from accounting who you SO dig, but he comes in like he's all hot-shit and has 'great ideas to improve on the base you made' and shit.
In many ways he is a great help. In others, I already want to sock him in the jaw.
"I'll take over from here" is sooooo not gonna fly.
If I let it, I'll snap. And end up a hoarder.
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Sunday, September 5, 2010

My Dog is Racist.

This is the SECOND time she has tried to run-down small black children. How do I teach my dog tolerance?
Today sucks. I am on the verge of setting myself ablaze.
I have a wisdom tooth coming in.
My innards hate me.
But I'm showered.
*sigh* the fact that the best part of my day includes brushing my teeth is utterly depressing.
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Saturday, September 4, 2010


I lay here. The room is semi-dark, or semi-light; who can say, really? I realized, talking to the cable lady, how very numb I can be sometimes. Whatever. Sure. That's Fine. Christ, where is my fire? Those are the words that come out of my mouth. Fuck, you'd hate to see me in person. I walked around the block 3 times before going to the mailboxes because I didn't want to look like an idiot shoving my various keys into every box. Yes, because circling the block, talking to a sleeping baby didn't make me look like a moron.
Not to mention that I still didn't figure out which fucking mailbox is mine. What do I care, anyway? All off our bills are viewed and payed online (via droid), and nobody is sending me a damn letter. Virtually nobody know my address. I don't do much of anything anymore. I do the same thing every-damn-day. Wake up, pee, let dogs out, coffee, breakfast, feed dogs, snacks, dogs out, lunch, nap/shower, dinner, bedtime. All while watching a cycle of borrowed movies. I have shit I NEED to get done, but I am unsure of how to do it exactly- because I have never had to. So in fear of looking like a moron, I don't do it. Which MAKES me a moron. I guess it can be attributed to being ill-suited for 'single-mom' life. That's the primary issue, being a nursing Mother, I have to take Belle everywhere with me. I have to hold her. Even if she COULD walk, she'd wander off and put crap off of the floor into her mouth.
Having to take a baby with you everywhere makes you a walking pain-in-the-ass. I have a re-deployment briefing-thingy to go to, and they are making it pretty clear that you can't bring your child. I'd REALLY like to go to this. But put in the position; I'd rather not go than leave my baby with strangers. It would be different if she was of 'playing with others' age, I'd be gone and back before she even knew it. Right now, she would probably cry the entire time.

I know he wants to come home, and be all over me all the time. Which is great and all, but part of me wants to hand him his kid, drive to Atlantic Beach, and watch the waves for an hour. I'm so tired of constantly worrying about the next thing. Constantly waiting for the next thing. Maybe if upcoming obstacles weren't so forseen, because obstacles, and money are all run my life. All the things we don't/won't have money for, all the shit we need money for. I fucking hate money. I hate that everything costs money. 'Teach a Man to fish'? but you have to buy him a license to do it.
Sometimes the bullshit of it all makes me mad enough to desire a 'roughing it' lifestyle. Sometimes.
I hate that everything in this goddamn house is fucked up. Which would bring me back to my 'Shit-I-need-to-do-but-don't' list. A random-ass leak in the hallway. Awesome.
Sometimes I think that maybe I should just go. Sometimes I feel like I do not have the right tools in my 'life tool-bag' for this. That my anger caused by a constant state of anxiety, is only going to negatively impact the lives of those around me.
I wonder if the person I want to be will ever be the person I am. Honestly, it feels impossible.
I'm going to try and sleep this mood away.
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Sunday, August 22, 2010

The First Week Home.

Woah, I don't want to get ahead of myself. To really understand how VERY happy I am to be in a box filled house with shitty cell service (no sarcasm), you have to understand how FUBAR the trip, and prepping for it, was.
My Grandpa, bless his heart, means well. Oh yeah, you SO know where THAT statement is going.
I tried to tell him I did not need his help packing the trailer. I knew that it would be easier to do myself. I was right.
I thought 'I'll cram everything in the kitchen so he'll know EXACTLY what needs to go on the trailer'.
Two hours later, the trailer is tied down, and half my stuff, including HALF of the crib+parts is STILL in the kitchen.
GRRREEEEAT! So, I call my Traveling buddy (the SIL) and she says 'bring what is left over in the vehicle, and we'll pack it right.'
(the dogs were at her house to run off some energy before the trip, so the back of the exploder was empty).
I get up at 5am, and open every door to the explorer, because it's dark, and I can't see (bad, bad idea). So, 30min in to what is becoming a very failed attempt at cramming everything in my vehicle, I txt my SIL. She notices, from the tone of my text, I am having a total meltdown.
She and my BIL come over and fix it all.
And by ALL, I ALSO mean Jumpstart my vehicle because I kept all the doors open, and killed the battery :D I'm a winner.

The trip itself was pretty smooth, except the part where I got really tired, and the trees started to move and look like swimming whales.
Then we commited a misdemeanor and smuggled the Dogs into a No-dog hotel for the night. But it doesn't count, we weren't caught.
Plus, I woke up that morning with the Chills from a nice bit of Engorgement, Belle hardly nursed the entire trip. I was freezing, and woke up 1hr after falling asleep, and had a good time on the potty. I seriously considered going out in the Carolina heat in a sweater.
After all the circle running housing had me do, I had to call maint. to fix the AC. It took them hours, of course.
AND, who lables the HOT water spigot with a BLUE knob? It took them 2 days to fix the leaky washer spigots.
Plus, the couch is in the garage, and will be until Lovesband gets home to figure it into the house. And my SIL ripped one of her toenails clean off, and bled all over my carpet lol. She Cleaned it up :).
The dogs have poo'd 3 times in the house, and Belle pee'd on me RIGHT before the VTC.

Deployment, PLEASE be over.
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Saturday, August 21, 2010

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Saturday, August 14, 2010

Movin' right along...

Tomorrow morning, I head home. I don't know what it looks like, but I do know what I get to cram in it! I am excited to BE there.
The ride, I am dreading. Small baby+long car ride= STRESSED MOMMY! plus.... the dogs....
But it's all worth it!
Soon, this deployment will be over.
He will be home, in my arms.
We will go to walmart together.

Yes, my expectations are simple.
He will drive 99% of the time (the way he likes it, can ya blame him??)
He will kill the spiders.
We will watch movies.
He will not have an end table (he is a vicious sleeper and knocks drinks off of his end table).
Put deployment behind us, we spent enough time living it, why spend all kinds of time talking about it? I know he doesn't want to.
I want to relax, be a family, get some BC and do it.
I cannot wait for my bed. I miss not being stabbed by springs.
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Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Unforgiven II.

Today is a weak day. Actually, it did not exactly start that way, and it might be more of tomorrow than it was today, so be prepared.
Unusually enough, the one thing that should bother me, does not. I do feel really good about that. It is something I have been working to move past. I just may have.
Most of the reason that 'insult' doesn't bother me is because it is from a mouth that I would expect it to come from.
There are two insults/judgements that I got that came from mouths I did not expect them to.
That is what I get for having Expectations.
There are days, and more than I like, where I look in the mirror and I ask myself 'Who. Who are you? How did you get to be this person?'. I don't have a good answer. And sometimes I don't think that poorly of myself, not in the last 2 years, really.
If we are not what we say and do, what then, are we?
Our thoughts and feelings come out in our words and actions.
They are not always pretty.
Despite that, there is one person who I know loves me just as I am.
Honestly, I don't think I give him enough credit. He would say 'I'm not all that great, I just love you', see, that's it exactly. He just loves me. He loves me with an unconditional love that is rarely seen between a Husband and a Wife. Look back in the blog, we've been through a lot. But, to this day he looks at me with the same sweet, loving eyes he did years ago. The look that says 'I'm still madly head-over-heels for you'.
I am not always the best WEEF, but he'll always say and believe that I am.
Being the best person, and best Wife I can be is driven by his unwavering love.
And lots of sex.
So, I don't care that you judge me, and frown upon words I say, or things I do. Hey, I'm not fucking YOU. So, it's of little consequence.
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Today is AMAZING!

Can I get a sarcasm button on that? I have 3, THREE days to be 100% ready to move. I have essentially NOTHING packed. On the bright side, the Trailer is ready for the Haul.
Last night I'm all 'Tomorrow, I'm going to get my ass in gear!'.
The power has been out since about 9am, and it's now 11:20am. No toaster waffles today. No Elmo to entertain the midget. Speaking of midget, she has decided that today is Scrrreeeeeaaaam anytime Mommy is more than 2ft away.
I'm cranky, and hot. The dogs left me gifts this morning, and I am feeling very run-down and dejected.
I need to get my ass re-vamped.
I need to do laundry, and well, that's not possible.
I hate gas stoves for this reason, also.
At least I have the music on My Android, and the Mothership can charge it when needs it.
Also, I am annoyed with EVERYBODY. With the exception of Lovesband. Other than that, I AM annoyed with EVERYONE. I'll get over it, just don't be dumb enough to ask 'what did I do?', because I'll answer, and we'll never speak again.
Am I home yet?
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Tuesday, August 10, 2010


As someone recovering from self-mutilation, and teenage development of frontal lobe, I really can't stand 'post-teenage' angst. If you have ACTUAL problems, go fucking talk to somebody, otherwise- shut down your pity party, and grow the fuck up.
I do not have pity for you. Please do not invite me to your pity party. 'God, I'm such a fuck up, I can't do anything right, everybody hates me'.
You know why people become annoyed with you? because you need constant reassurance that you aren't a fuck up, and it gets old, really quick, and normal people don't want to deal with it.
Here is a secret: most people fuck things up, and it's all about how you deal with it. a) put on your big girl/boy undies and move on. b) freak out.
In reality, you just enjoy the attention that comes from being a total basket-case all the fucking time.
I know well adjusted people who were molested for YEARS by a parent. So don't act like your 'issues' are that big. You're just a whiney baby.
It's time to be an adult now and take responsibility for your actions. You can't blame all your actions on your so-called issues, to people on the outside, it's an OBVIOUS cop-out, especially when you KNOW what you are going to say/do is going to be wrong, and everyone can see that you thought about it before you said/did it.
Yeah, then talk about what a fuck up you are, and the cycle begins again.

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Monday, August 9, 2010

Mission Is FUBAR!

I'm supposed to be set and ready to get our happy asses to NC by the 15th. I have NOTHING WHATSOEVER done that will get me to this goal. Not to mention the fact that I have all kinds of crap that needs to be done to the trailer *le sigh*. From one minute to the next, I have no friggin' clue what is going on. Here's hoping that I can get shit straightened out.
I should be sleeping, but how can I sleep with so much on my mind?
I'm going to have to move past some things in my life, and be okay with some things. I just can't go on living with all thses monkeys on my back! Do you ever feel that way?
It's a lot like the moment I realized that the anger I held towards my Dad controlled me. I hated him. Not because of all he did, and all he didn't do, but because he thought everything was fine, and denied it all, or said that ALL families were that way. He will never understand the torment that he put me through. My moments of weakness. I was so angry at him for that. It consumed me. I had to let it go. There is more to live for than anger and resentment.

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Friday, August 6, 2010

A Boring-Ass Update.

The home we are getting is perfect. I just know it is. It's not the Slocum one we were supposed to get, but it has CARPET! Exactly what the Lovesband wants. Even so, I can be clichè and say that 'Any Home Is Perfect, As Long As It Is Ours'. Even if it is Government Military Base Housing, and only ours for the next 2 years.
I had a dream last night. 'Scuzband' (lovesbands not-so-loveable nickname ;) ) let his Mother live with us. Needless to say (except to him, apparently :/ ) I left him. And also found someone else. Which fits the criterion for my dreams; hint: Not Zombie Apoc. Interestingly enough, the dream was red. Everything Monochromatic REDS. I've never had a red dream before.

Next Week is crunch time.
I'm really stressed out about it.
The large reason I decided to move earlier than planned was to see Zanne. Unfortunately, that probably isn't going to happen. Which totally sucks, but I'll have lots of time to set up the house... Hey, I'm making attempts at looking on the bright side here. I wish Zanne could stay, but I know that's not an option. It sucks, A LOT.

I'm the kind of person who, if left to their thoughts, will go crazy. I used to paint. I would stay up all night and paint. Now, I don't have that option. I don't have time during the day to paint, either. I've been thinking hard about not having any more children. Ultimately, when I feel like it's time, it'll be time. Who knows when that will be. I need some time to be ME. Anyone who tells you that you can be the same person you were before you had a baby is WRONG. They must be having someone else raise their Children. When you have ALL day to yourself, you can do a lot, or do NOTHING. Somehow, these days, I don't accomplish much of either. I love being a Mommy. I love seeing her discover, and helping her learn about herself and her world. As she gains independence, so do I. I let her play with toys on her own while I tweet, or pee, or scarf down a box of Pad Thai.
Tomorrow is hanging at the Beach. I'm really stoked about it :D! Some sun, some water, and chillin' out. Makes me want a hot dog.

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Thursday, August 5, 2010

Today, I ROCKED adulthood!

Yes, I am a champion. I did everything I was supposed to do today (which includes some, but not all, on the pictured list).
I don't like doing important things by myself. I get nervous about it, and feel like my uncertainty will cause people to be mean to me (like some people I know).
Today I had to do a few important things by myself. To say I was terrified is a gross understatement. I have to take Belle, which makes it 746739474% more nerve-wrecking.
But I did it, and people were VERY nice to me :).
I got the trailer weighed.
It took me 20min to back out of the driveway.
and a good 10 to turn around at the salvage yard (with people watching my serious failure).
I took the Trailer to my SIL's house.
I got the Trailer titled, registered, and plated.
And got to Olive Garden at a reasonable time.

And, if Chris and I ever split, at least I'll have a Trailer in my name I can live in. I hear you can do a lot with 6'x8'.
I feel like an Adult. Remember this when I whine about going grocery shopping by myself.

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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Zombie Apocalypse.

I often feel very lost in my own thoughts. Today I had a conversation with My Mom. This particular conversation is one that NO person should have with their Mom. Ever. I can't/won't go into detail, it's that bad. But it warrants a phone call to my sister. And don't ask, you'll only end up seriously disturbed.
Do you know what I dream of? Of course you don't. Well, YOU do, but that's different. I dream of two things:
1) Zombie Apocalypse.
Why? I have no idea. I like zombie movies. But I hate the nightmares. It's just me and Belle, and I have to try and protect us both, and keep her quiet. I have no Combat Skills. If you want to believe that dreams mean something, I'm going to go with this: I fear situations I cannot control. Particularly ones that will obviously have a negative outcome for me. Situations where I am defenseless, terrified, and in that Fight-or-Flight state. It could all be bullshit and just electrical impulses and something to do with my dendrites, who can say?
2) Romance.
It's not just sex. It's the way he looks at me, the way he says my name. It's that lucid feeling, where I can feel myself get goosebumps; in my dream. It's like I'm Scarlett O'Hara, and you're Rhett Butler (except it ends better). *swoon*. This ultimately (that's probably spelled WAY wrong, it looks funny) leaves me feeling lonely, and very hot-and-bothered. I think these dreams are pretty straight forward. But maybe it's like 'If you dream you're pregnant, it signals someone is sick or dying'.
I think I'm going Crazy.
Patient at Mental Hospital Says: "We had Ice Cream Sundaes for dessert, I thought there were too many nuts"

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Monday, August 2, 2010

Title half as long as post.

I should probably do something tomorrow. I haven't done much of anything this week (sofar). and suddenly, I am very tired. and pretty bummed.

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Gone With The Wind.

I will never have 'it all figured out'. At least not all of the time. There are moments when I feel as if I have all my ducks in a row; until I turn around to find they are gone. Either I am doing it wrong, and I need to change something until it all feels right, or this is just the way it is. For me, anyway. I wish somebody could tell me how to feel (remember, wishing is for dreamers, and dreaming is useless). I always asked God to give me peace, but he has not. Maybe it's my fault.
I guess it doesn't matter. Seriously, why would it? I don't need a lot of people to care. Honestly, who cares about my blog? Who cares about my deep feelings? Me. That's who.
Hey, you know who would tell me how to feel, My Mommy. Which is probably why I don't ask her.
What a contradiction.
FACT: I am a walking, talking, contradiction.
Maybe it's just because I am equipped with a Vagina. Maybe it's just me.

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A Conversation With My Dad. Translated.

How do I begin? How about I just leave some stuff out.
We'll start with the fact that I STILL have yet to clean ricey-poop from the dog crate. And due to their rampage yesterday, it was not the last pile.
I had a 'lovely' conversation with my sperm donor. I'm not going to tell you what was actually said, I'm going to translate it into what was meant.
SD: Hi, I'm a bit tipsy, and bored as fuck, so I thought I would call to whine and talk about myself, because I know you care.
ME: I don't fucking care, and talking to you is on my list, right below 'have an enema'.
SD: Anyway, I'm trying to figure out my emotions and issues, I'm using a combination of angry emails to your mother (which you pointed out was a bad idea) and lots of Alcohol. it's working great! I'm sometimes working, but not really. I'll get work, mostly because everybody likes me.
ME: nobody fucking likes you.
SD: You know, this isn't going the way I planned.
ME: No way.
SD: Yeah, and I know how you love being around drugs and intoxicated people. So come to the jammnight, and watch me play, because I'm fucking awesome, especially when I'm stoned and drunk.
ME: I'm pretty sure you guys just sound like cats in heat.
SD: Sometimes I'm A prick when I drink.
ME: A fucking revelation. bye, fuckbag.

So, I'm supposed to go out to Ferndale and smile and nod. Honestly, I don't want to break his poor little delusional heart. So mostly, I just nod and smile.
Deployment will end soon. I plan to tune the world out. At least until Christmas.

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Sunday, August 1, 2010

Somebody, Punch Me.

There are days, such as today, where I am so angry. I feel so overwhelmed, and I am mad at everybody. There are days, where I am bitten, and I get so very angry. It hurts like a bitch, especially when it is your nipple.
There are days where I think she won't ever wean. And I get so frustrated because I feel like a bad parent for not transitioning her correctly. Like co-sleeping, I feel like, at this point she should be able to sleep by herself. I can't just put her in her crib to cry. I just can't. No matter how little sleep I get with her kicking me all night.

Sometimes I resent people. I feel like wifes/girlfriends who do not have children shouldn't try to relate to my feelings. Yes, deployment is hard. Deployment with child(ren) involved, I'd have to argue is harder. I don't get a break. Yeah, my child looks happy and fun in public, but she's a baby; there are times that she is not happy. Fact of life.
Sometimes, I think people like to wallow in their 'issues'.
I think a lot of people use illnesses as a cop-out.
You know who doesn't, My Mom. She has RA and works her ass off.
I get really pissed off when I want to be left alone, and then people badger the shit out of me. Sometimes, I just need to be left alone. Seriously. No, you self-centered prick, it isn't about YOU!
But no, I don't have any problems. And if I did, everyone else would have larger problems. More important/Serious problems.
Fuck Problems. That's life. Get over it.
I'm done.

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Friday, July 30, 2010

A Short Story

The day My Lovesband asked me to be his Girlfriend (back in 2002), we were under some pine trees, sheltered from the rain. We were hanging out with a friend who knew he was going to ask me, and was just waiting around for it to happen. He looked over at us and asked "what are you staring at?". It just so happened that we were both staring at the bubbles in a stream of water (formed by water dropping from the tree).
From the beginning, he has always understood me.
That's us at Prom 2007.

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Thursday, July 29, 2010

Let The Profanity Happen.

You want to know what I am tired of? Well, since you're still reading- Motivational/self-help bullshit. Why? Because I think it's a cover-up. Average -over it- people are off living their lives. Granted, I believe that Love is the answer to everything. I don't go spouting my bullshit out like a night after whiskey and White Castle (don't fucking ask..). I like PEOPLE. Yeah, I DO care about what you are passionate about, but not THAT much. I want to hear how passionate you are about savingmoney/God/diet/exersize/hockey/military for about 15min. Unless it's a common interest, I start thinking about other things- The last time my dogs shit/the last time I shit/The next time I'm getting laid/When the last time YOU got laid was. Like I said, I care, but only so much. How much to you want to hear about my oral fixation?? Unless you're trying to get some, it'll probably make this dinner party pre-tty awkward.

Those people just end up being fake. Remember in HS when people talked about who was fake? Want to know why you never hear that term? Because it's you. We grew up, and got manners, so now we just say it behind your back.
As an adult, there are really only a few functions you get invited to, and I loathe ALL of them: 1) Mary-kay/Avon- Fuck this. Unless I get a heap of free shit, I don't want to slather makeup on my face. If anyone with a Vagina needs to have their hand held during makeup protocol, they are either 9 or just shouldn't try. That's how you end up on peopleofwalmart(dot)com. 2) Raging Beer-Pong Party- For my age group, acceptable. For parents (including my age group), NOT. Grow the hell up. If I have to tell you that life isn't about being faced all the time, the words fall on deaf ears. Yeah, drinking is fine, and faced every so often is also okay... but every weekend?? deep rooted issues= Get some zoloft. 3) This SOUNDS like it's going to be fun, but really it's a cover-up for some lame ass thing we're doing- Explains itself. "We're going to just hang out, chit-chat, snack. Ohmp, and then we're going to *BAM insert a fervent description of something you REALLY don't want to do AT ALL* it's going to be a lot of fun." Fuck you! You're a fucking liar! Whatever happened to just wasting time with people?? Everything has to have a fucking purpose! Why do we always have to be 'learning something new'? You know those terms. It's not like getting to know a friend, or conversational happening onto information of general interest. It's a "DIDYOUKNOW?" cram-fest of whatever. Fuck You. At least the other shit parties are straight forward.

My Perfect Party: BBQ. Chillin'. Wii/dominoes/pictionary/game. Pie. bonfire/end. Nobody getting "NO YOU'RE A SCREEN DOOR!" hammered. No mandatory anything. No forms to fill out. Just come over, hang out. You can crash here, no problem. But you start yaking in my commode, and I probably won't invite you over again. idc if you smoke, but do it outside. Leave your Pot at home.

Fuck, I'm tired. BTW 'in the air' or whatever with Muy Guapo G.Clooney= crap movie.

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If you don't know about my MIL, she cannot be summed up into simple terms. She's a crazy bitch. Oh, maybe she can be.
Currently, we are not on speaking terms. I have been waiting years for that. She FINALLY pissed of my Lovesband enough to his breaking point. If you don't know my Lovesband, he tolerates A LOT, he could even be called a push-over at times. It also goes to show how low this woman will sink; "We've all seen enough pictures of Annabelle, and your wife need to grow up and learn how to be a mother".
Since the deployment, they have tried to worm their way back in, sans apology. Which is not gonna fly. They have been sending Lovesband Motomail, and 'care' packages. The first one was full of cigarettes. My Husband is a non-smoker. He tried to give them away, nobody wanted them. Yes, NO marine wanted them. They must have been shit.
So after that useless Box-O-Shit, she sends him another. What could be worse than shitty cigarettes? TOILET PAPER! Lovesbands words: "She must think I'm in Vietnam...".
Honestly, we just try to ignore them, and sometimes that works. Other times they claim that they are "worried". Whatever that means, I just know it doesn't really mean "worried". But then they threaten to come around. So, when Lovesband is back stateside, we'll ignore them until we actually have to tell them to 'fuck-off'.
If they ever came to NC, we would end up having to pay for them to get home, for them to eat while they were here, for their 4 kids to eat here, on the way home, and probably be talked into groceries after they got home. Oh, yes. I DO know this from experience- Our Wedding. But that Disaster is another post ENTIRELY. Long story short, We paid for them to drive a diesel truck from Michigan to Oklahoma.
As far as they are concerned, everybody owes them something. They make sure of it. I know they spent money on the care packages, which means the kids probably didn't eat that week. Just like when they sent me flowers for my birthday. Sure, it SOUNDS sweet, but 'Thank You' isn't enough, you then OWE them because they chose not to feed the family so you could have this kind gesture.. this kind booby-trapped gesture. Then, when they need money for bills, you OWE them. Which is fine, except they live off the government due to laziness. They spend their money on trivial things, and blow it in a day.
Anyway, that's the short version of it I'm sure there will be more later.

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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

If you're a parent, I bet you can guess how many times I've watched Elmo's World today. In fact, I am sure you can infer that I will be watching Elmo's World ALL FRIGGIN DAY! You can also assume that I will have Various songs stuck in my head ALL DAY, and it's going to be AWESOME when I annoy the life out of myself by absentmindedly singing them "we love to sing, sing in the shower"...
All the books and mags. tell you 'get your child to sleep at the first signs of being sleepy'. Yeeaaaah, that'll work- NOT! Belle's first sign of sleepy is 2 hours before she actually goes to 'sleep'. So then I wind up frustrated wasting my energy trying to impose 'naptime' on a child who I have found (be repeated time wasting failure) isn't quite ready. The NEW plan is to wait until she's REALLY fussy, and spend 10min getting her to bed. I'd LOVE to hang out with my Sugar-Belle in bed for 2 hours, but I HAVE THINGS TO DO! I have 19days to pack and move. I have two dogs of my own (and two more that I deal with daily), and family members who want to see us (her) before we go.
So now that it's naptime, and I have nearly nothing done, I'm going to attempt to partake in the napping. And I'm sure the dogs will begin barking at everything (nothing). Then I'll at least have dinner figured out.

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

My Price For Freedom 1

I've had a pretty rough month. And I am glad to have overcome it. Sometimes things do not turn out the way you expect them to, but you really must remember; the cake may have landed frosting-side-down, but it will taste the same. Yeah, what I really mean is: just because a situation didn't turn out the way you planned, doesn't mean you can't salvage, and possibly flourish from it. All things are lessons.
I am very excited to be going home is about 20days. I don't EXACTLY know what 'home' looks like, but I DO know that, once I put all of our belongings in it, and once he is there to share it with me, it is going to be as 'home' as it gets. Without him by my side, every place feels strange. I feel strange. I feel that I haven't 'adapted' to being a 'single mom' (which is how us Military spouses end up during deployment). I have survived, and continue to, but it's a catastropic avalanche- constantly. I think a single Mom may have it easier in some ways (I could be way off base). I am constantly waiting for him, a man who WANTS to be home, who WANTS to change diapers, who is willing and excited to be an equal (if not more) parent. I don't know if not expecting anyone to come and help makes thriving on your own easier, knowing that there isn't a defined end to being a single parent.
This is my first deployment. I don't think I have met ANY spouse who likes deployment. Sure, it has its perks, but if you love your marine/soldier/airman/guardsmen ect. to stand by him through these times, then you also love them so deeply that you hate to watch them go *cue 'leaving on a jetplane'*. Deployment is torment.
On a political note, I am VERY thankful for those who sport flags, and yellow ribbons, and who pray for my Lovesband, and other service members and their families. I am glad that there are civilians out there who understand the cost that families like ours pay (and the life cost others pay). It helps. At least as far as I am concerned. No, you don't know what it is like, but you know that. You tell me you 'can't imagine what that must be like', and I am glad you don't ever have to. If the people who decided to go to war, were the people who actually had to go, or the families who had to watch them go; we would be more frugal.
Honestly, my almost 10 month-old daughter has no idea who her Daddy is. He left when she was 5months and 10days. She will be about 1year when he gets home. At this point, he will have been gone longer than she has been alive. This is the case for MANY families.
This is the price of freedom; Her terrified face, when all he wants to do is hug his little girl (who is his whole world).
I wish I could give him a welcome home with a baby who reaches up and squeals 'da-da!', but I can't.
That's okay. She is young, and he's an amazing father. Soon, she'll be his leg-leech, and not mine.
Military families adapt and overcome, we have to.
To those who understand, and those who know they don't- Thank You!
(by the way, That is my 'this deployment is exhausting' face)

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Sunday, July 25, 2010

Everything you need, is inside of me.

I believe that collective consciousness is more important than any God. Or maybe it is God. I believe that Love transcends everything, and if we live off of that, everything will be okay.

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Friday, July 23, 2010

I Don't Have Any Friends.

I am not looking forward to spending this weekend alone. I plan to go spend time with my sister-in-law and her family, but mostly I feel out of place and awkward there. Primarily because I feel such a need for interaction with another 'adult' that I just spew all over. I'm having one of those days where I wish I had someone to watch a movie, and eat popcorn with. Yeah 'You should be here (north carolina)' may be a true statement, but the fact is; today I am here. Not North Carolina. I need a friend, and I don't have any.

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Thursday, July 22, 2010

A Very Short Post.

Rain reminds me that, eventhough it might be a terrifying storm, and utter destruction; rain cleans, and brings new life.
I feel selfish. I feel this way for a lot of reasons. I feel as though I should be content just hanging with Belle. I feel as though her joy should be my joy. I feel like that should be enough. I feel like I should be stronger than this. I feel like I should understand myself better. I feel like I should be able to control my emotions better.

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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

That's A Stupid Question.

Look, I made my blog pretty for you!
I did it today, because My Mom plans to take the laptop away for the weekend. It's HER laptop, and I can do all of the important stuff from my phone. Plus, I really need to get a macbook anyway. I'm mostly waiting until Husband gets home, though I have already gotten the 'go-ahead' on getting one. But that would mostly liquidate the savings account ^_^. I'm horrible and have spent most all of the deployment money, just like I said I wouldn't.
Today I got ALL of the housing information faxed to where it needed to be. yay. I think I told you that already. Did I also tell you that the estimated move date is September 1st? Well, it is. Then I get to go home to good 'ole Cherry Point! I like having a place of my own. I like knowing that nobody is going to bitch at me. I'm an adult. I guess.
It's funny how it all happened. Maybe it was the way I was raised. Suddenly, I looked around, and I needed a bank account. Because I had a job, and I needed to hide money from myself. I find that, most places are helpful. They WANT your business. I know enough to know when I need help though. I'm a female. When it comes to a car or fridge, all I think is "Ooooh, pretty!". Washer and dryer, on the other hand "How long does it take? How quiet is it, what are the settings? How much water does it use? Front or top loader? Can I fit my comforter in here?"
This shows you how tired I am. I am writing about laundry. Of course, it highlights the fact that, whether I like it or not, I am in the full blown throes of adulthood. What a bummer.

I guess I don't do everything like an adult. Maybe it's just me fighting it tooth and nail. SEE! Only adults use old-people terms like that! (Erin is going to kill me if she ever makes it on here, I think I have heard her say that). If I were any kind of adult, I would be sleeping, knowing that my child will be up in 6 hours or less. I LOVE SLEEP!

Tomorrow, I will NOT shower (unless Jill calls, or someone else in MI-which isn't going to happen) I will NOT get 'dressed'. I'll probably make some Iced Tea (yeah, sweetened! Diabetic Coma here-I-Come!) Watch movies with Belle, and wish Death on the Dags. Oh, and laugh about Suzanne shaving her brows off. Good thing she doesn't read this either. I might brush my teeth. I'll probably remember what I planned to blog about today. I forgot due to tiredness. I keep having to backspace all over this poor thing, and it looks like dirt anyway.

I Stalk. Bad. And maybe I'll take all my belongings, and just wait there.

Before I go 2

I am also going to be glad to be from some issues that happen to be homebased here in Michigan. I am also very lucky to be leaving before it gets cold here. I miss sweet North Carolina! I miss the palm trees, the rain, the ocean, Erin, Zanne, Dr. Rule (our pediatrician), I even miss the screaming sound of harriers over-head.
Most of all, I miss my Marine. The day he left, he went to the store, and brought me home a dozen roses. Sometimes it seems like so long ago, othertimes it seems like yesterday. I know we'll have a new place, and though we have the same stuff, it will be in different rooms, facing. a different way. Even though I hated Nugent Cove, our first set-up will always hold a place in my heart. Years from now, my memory of it will fade, and it will be harder to remember. But it was the first place we brought our baby girl. Her first nursery. To an extent, it is the same adventure, and then again, it is a very new one.

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Before I go.

I get to go be on the phone with housing, and fax over all my paperwork. For many reasons, I am less than excited. Some I can discuss, and some I cannot. I'll try to focus on the good parts, the parts I am excited for. Personally, ending up in Nugent Cove is not the best case scenario, but I will if it is what gets me home. The move itself is what I look forward to the least, along with the storage unit *insert horror music*. Once I am home, my very best friend will be leaving forever to Arkansas. Hm, I thought I was supposed to focus on positive?? I'll be glad to have my space back. I'll be glad to be living by my own house rules again. I'll be glad to ba back in a Queen sized bed. more later- infant calls.

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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I'm probably going to die. maybe.

So, I've been having a lot of bruising lately. I've decidedly attributed it to being battered by an infant on a daily basis, but the back of my mind worries. They are sometimes pretty ugly bruises, even for being from the pointy little elbow of a baby. In the caverns of my mind I think 'dear God, I have lyphoma or leukemia' and 'what if I'm dying!?'. Until today, I had pretty much let the idea slide (penguin-like ) out of my mind.
I had decided, not to long ago, that eating hurts. I am lactose intolerant, but avoiding dairy products didn't seem to help. And 'activia' wasn't coming through on any promises. I thought 'maybe it's the extreme stress I am under??'. Then I heard about the symptoms that bitch from the view had when she was on survivor. Oh-em-G. Celiac disease! Also known as Gluten intolerance! And if you don't know anything about it, the cure is a gluten-free diet. Well, that's not killing anybody. WRONG! It can make you seriously at risk for lymphoma. Now, I am sure that I am dying. Actually, it does explain my lack of metabolism, serious weight loss, anemia, and potentially my lactose intolerance. Best case scenario- I have stress that is causing serious tummy aches. Worst case- I'M F*UCKING DYING! I'll keep you posted.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Livingroom surgery

Today started out with lots of WIN. I actually consumed 2 meals, showered, bathed the child, did my hair and makeup, and Baby had 2 naps. It was going very well. We were preparing to meet my mommy at the Salvation Army in White Lake. As I was changing Belle's diaper, I noticed a cut on her leg had become lightly puffy. So I got peroxide and a bandaid. I gave it a good rub down, put the bandaid on, and put pants on her to help ensure that she would keep the bandaid on. She has had puffy cuts before. You can sweep and mop all the floors, but with 4 dogs; you can only get so colean. And crawling babies will sustain minor-moderate injury from time to time. That being said, we went off to Salvation Army (a place where I usually let Belle crawl with serious supervision, I am a good Mom. Haters can suck-it). Once finished, we come home and go about dinnerish/getting ready for bed. So, the pants are removed, along with the bandaid. Wow. The little-red-cut is now a puffy pussy line. (I blame it all on not being able to find and use A&D ointment). So, my mom and I decide that we have to 'surgery'.
I won't go into details, but the cut was seriously cleaned, and cleaned. And Belle screamed. It was awful. If it is not better by tomorrow, to the urgent care we go. After it's slathered in AD ointment, and a bandaid is firmly in place, it is time for bed. Belle sits up on the bed, looks down at the closed bottle of vitamin water, up at me, and "bob-bob" she laments. "I know. I know." I reply. Who know what it means, I can only assume "that shit hurt, do it again, and I'm pooping on your favorite pants".

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Today I did yardwork and felt like a champion. Idk, pulling weeds isn't some incredible feat. But I didn't mind doing it. Hard work doesn't bother me. I am not a lazy trashbag! Maybe.. ALSO, I am fully vindicated on the dog situation.. though they have been let out OFTEN, they are exploding out of their backhole areas like WWII. So, it's not cuz I ain't lettin em out... they have just freeking lost their minds. Daisy ate $2.50 worth of peaches...bitch.
I love my Droid. I listened to moosik while weeding. And of course, my mind wandered all over. Actually, only one place. Also, I considered it 'me' time. I mailed my secrets out today. And my mail in rebate for this hyped up block. I thought about telling them, writing them out, making it all known. But why? Why end up onn the corner of 'fucked' and 'friendless' for no reason? I thought about one day owning a home of my own. I thought about Jill, and how I hope she owns one, too some day. I thought about my weaknesses. I thought about conflicting feelings. Maybe the time to vent frustrations out on weeds, and a couple flowers :^/ (in my defense, they were ugly and harbored an orgy of earwigs) maybe just that made me feel a little better. Get the thoughts and feeling in piles, look at them, acknowledge they exist. I am tired, hungry, I need chapstick. Will I ever make a full complete blog? When there is someone to read it, maybe I'll feel obligated. Until then-

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