Sunday, February 27, 2011

CoCo knows why this post is for her.

I wrote a really long blog the other day.
Then blogger-droid decided to be an absoloute jerk-a-doo.
Not to worry, it was an exceptionally depressing post.
(Sidenote: Belle likes to flop over me to nurse on different sides about 10times before actually falling asleep. Also, I just got got pulled closer for snuggles with husband. And Belle is exiting the bed *frustration*)
Caitertot moves out tomorrow.
It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't an hour drive.
She's my very best friend.
We are going to live in a duplex on the OBX.

Do you have a close friend that moved far away? How do you keep your relationship strong?
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Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Joey Pouch

It's what I call my post pregnancy weight. It's like a box on the front of where my tummy ought to be. On the bottom, it's like a ziploc bag full of cottage cheese.
These photos are 17mo after my beautiful daughter was born.
And according to the Wii Fit, about 20lbs overweight.
The damage to my belly button, and a few scars (some not pictured) are due to gall bladder removal.
I didn't show you my C-section scar, but it's lower than my bikini, so I don't much think about it.
Also featured are the stretch marks on my calves.

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Monday, February 21, 2011

MVM: Most Valuable Milspouse Award!

This award was originated by Shannon at Eat, Pray, Love....LIVE! I received it from My BFF Coco at I R Grunt Wife. So, without further ado, 

  1. Coco! She writes at I R GRUNT WIFE. Which I previously linked, and refuse to link again. She's pretty TOTALLY awesome! She's currently facing her first deployment, and is in the same place I was. She's a great friend, and asks questions at the end of her blog, despite my thinking it looks like an article. (@xcowsgowoof)
  2. Mrs.Flyboy over at Trying Our Best! She hosts many a swap, and giveaway! She's a lovely Marine Spouse who wrestles 3 lovely boys ALL-ON-HER-OWN on a daily basis. Sucks for her, but the story about the TP crammed down the pee filled toilet made me feel a bit better about my day. (@Mrs_Flyboy)
  3. Erin at Many Kind Regards! I'd like to take this time to mention how much I hate PCSing taking my friends away. She was Marine Corps spouse of the year in 2010? was it 2010? Anyway, she's been a BOAT LOAD of information, support, and laughs! She writes for Milspouse Mag, so you know she's good! (@ManyKindRegards)
And that's it.
You're supposed to pick 5, but 3 is all I have. Should you be on here? Tell me where your blog is, and I'll stalk the hell out of it!
So, to make up for it, here is a fun picture.

Some Pictures of The Family Feb 2010

GIVEAWAY: Trying Our best!

There is a SA-WEET! Giveaway going on at one of my FAVORITE blogs!
It's great for all of you military family folks!
go check it out HERE! Unfortunately, this post gives me an entry or two, so your chances of winning are MUCH lower than mine.
But good luck, anyway.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Peanut/not butter balls.

I am supposed to make Peanut butter balls for Buddy. Now, I have made these one before, except I made them as soybutter balls for Mrs.Flyboy for the Valentines Day swap.
It's really just a change of one ingredient. The Peanut butter. So, if you want some video Directions (Mrs.Flyboy)
Check back later. I'm hoping to video the whole thing.
Seeing as Buddy is a Marine, and a single one at that, there WILL be profanity in the video..
In fact, he was reprimanded while we were at Walmart in Morehead City, for cussing too much.
And as far as he's concerned, he's not loud, he's motivated.
He's the wildest one we've got. So, when you are watching the video, you might want to hide your children.
And you might hear a lot of me yelling at him.
A lot of Hank Hill.
And potentially a dog peeing on the floor.
Caity is usually my SUE chef. I know that's now how it's spelled, but you still get the point. So, she'll be there, along with a link to her blog.
I'll post the directions in the blog, and link to where I got it. The blog has other great recipies for families with allergies.
I'm also thinking about a new series on the things I cook.
Like blackbean artichoke quesadillas!
Crap, I might have to go find Bird-Bird.
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Saturday, February 19, 2011


I remember when my relationship with my Mom was really bad.
We were generally the best of friends. We enjoy many of the same things, we enjoy eachothers company, and we have the same sense of humor.
The only times that really made it hard, were the times when my Dad came between us.
I remember the moment I began to hate him.
The moment when all the lies surfaced.
I remember her taking him back. Over and over and over again.
He never changed.
It's not a complex story. She loved him, thought she needed him, thought that he was as good as it was ever going to get.
In my life, I had never seen her so broken down. So angry, so sad, so frail and helpless.
I did not know this woman. This was NOT my Mom! She is an INVINCIBLE woman! I don't know who this weak, shell of a woman, cowering in fear... I don't know that woman.
I couldn't look at her the same. I couldn't talk to her. She hid things from me, knowing it would upset me.
She never hid when she was mad at him. She only hid bringing him back, or forgiving him.
Because she knew. She knew that I was not blinded to the truth we both knew.
He would never treat her right.
My Mom raised us with a drunk for a Husband.
A boy who thought he was a man.
Someone who commanded respect with the tantrums of a child.
I hated him.
Gall burned my throat, just being in the same room as him.
17 years. The last two she spent supporting him as he sat around the house, doing nothing. Not working, not cleaning.
Hiding his drinking.
Sitting around, spending her hard earned money on drugs and alcohol. Never starting and scraping her car off on a cold winters morning. No kids to tend to.
Having RA that he refused to believe bothered her.
Treating her like shit everyday.
A woman who made money, owned her OWN home, her OWN car, was controlled by a man who claimed to love her.

Love is not a Disney fairy tale.
But it has fairy tale moments.

Watching her in those moments, it reminds me of how strong a woman should be. And a man should be just as strong. Her equal.
I have the relationship my Mom always wanted.
No, not perfect. Yes, sometimes we argue. But he is my very best friend.
No man should ever control a woman. And he should never want to.
I never saw love in that relationship. All I saw were two people who would rather hate eachother than be alone.

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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Nobody told me...

I read 'What to expect when you're expecting'. And while it told me some things (how big a baby is in relation to various fruit) and calmed me about my GBS+, there are so many things I just didn't know.
Looking back, I remember (before the c-section) the nurse setting the room up.
I found myself asking "What is that for?" And wondering why there were blue pads ALL over the floor.
I know, it says "Have a birthing plan"
Nobody asked me if I had one.
Nobody asked me about my preferences.
My OB never informed me of any options one way or the other.
I'm still not really sure what a birthing plan should look like, Only that I read somewhere that you should leave it on top of cookies for the nurses.O.o
I don't know when I'll have another baby, but I know that I will go in more informed this time.
I always thought that was the purpose of an OB! Looking back, they did NOTHING I couldn't have done myself during pregnancy!
Okay, they did test me for Gestational Diabetes, and GBS.
But weight, belly size, movement.
I could read a book and come up with the same conclusions.
I thought the OB was supposed to work with me to come up with a plan TOGETHER.
Instead, I saw 5 OBs and had NO idea which one was going to be there when I delivered.
It was like meeting a new OB each time I went.
And each one did a vaginal exam.
Which, isn't really necessary in a normal pregnancy.
I didn't know that.
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Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine 2- To you!

On Valentine's Day, there are so many who do not have their loved one. Some are on field ops, some are stationed far away, some are deployed, and some just never came home.
When you bitch about your man not doing something romantic enough for you, maybe he bought you carnations instead of roses, or didn't take you EXACTLY where you wanted, just remember; there is someone, somewhere, who wished for as much as a phone call, and for whatever reason, didn't get it. Someone, somewhere got a 30min phone call, or an e-mail, or at most a video chat.
Just something to remember.
I am grateful my husband is home for VD, and I thank the Spouses whose service members are deployed, so that mine is home, snoring, next to me.
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Sunday, February 13, 2011


The Marine Corps has a very IN YOUR FACE (as with everything they do except recruiter honesty) way of showing you things about life.
Things that were, things that might someday be. People going through their 1st deployment, people going through their 7th.
At first, you feel so different. Like your relationship is so different. Your world is different. And then you find, that it's really not.
Any GOOD Military Spouse loves their servicemember as you do yours. No, many a good marriage does not make it, but it takes some kind of dedication to stand by someone while they are away that long. To be a single parent. A internally terrified woman. A shoulder to every member of your family.
Then you find sisterhood. Friends. People you can REALLY relate to.
Nothing shows you how different Military life is than family dealing with deployment.
It's like the things your Mother tells you. No, that's not you. I would never. No way. Uh huh. It will be you.
You never believe it until you're there.
What? Why would I WANT him to leave?!
Because waiting for that horrible day when you say goodbye is worse than watching him walk away with all of his gear.
Seeing friends who've done it many times.
Now knowing 'it could be us'. We said 1 enlistment.
And now, we are seriously considering a 2nd. And you know what that means...
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Saturday, February 12, 2011

Valentines pt.1 Our Date

Lovesband and I have fallen in LOVE with the Aquarium at Pine Knoll Shores. We take Belle there every chance we get! It's not very large, and nothing really changes, but it's so beautiful, they do a pretty cool bird show, and Belle just LOVES being there.
She loves to splash in the Stingray tank, and is ALL about the HUGE tank with the sharks and other large fish I haven't been standing still long enough to read about.
I lie, I think Lovesband and I read it the first time we went, but Belle was far from walking at the time.
We get something at the gift shop EVERY time. We usually try to get Belle to choose her own toy, but sometimes she just runs around and checks things out. She's actually very well mannered.
We are also in love with the beach. When we were young (both being from Michigan) a 'beach' to us was a lake, and usually one you could clearly see the other side of, at least in one direction.
For us, the Ocean is a big deal.
On days that we drive the 20min to Atlantic Beach are ALWAYS good days. It's quite hard for either of us to be in anything but a LOVELY mood when we are there. He chases Belle while I snap a zillion photos. Or we both walk along the beach with her, talking with her about the water, dog-dogs, bird-birds, and preventing any sand/rock/shell consumption.
Sometimes we bring our dogs (Saleen loves it, Daisy loathes it).
I don't know, maybe it's because we are so irrationally in love with the coast, either way, it always seems to bring everyone closer.
Next time, we will probably tour inside Fort Macon.
We go check out the 'beach' area there sometimes, but have yet to see the inside of the Fort itself.
I want so badly to live on the OBX, and so does Lovesband.
Reminders that we don't always want to smother the other in the dead of night. <3
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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Hoover Flags

Shit. I need a job, or we are always going to be tight on money.
Here we are, just having paid off 2 credit cards and a personal loan. Now, we are supposed to enter into a new loan.
A LARGE sum of money. Not as much as our Explorer, but a good sum. For 4 years.
But, if I don't let him have the sport bike, I'm the asshole.
This is living above our means. I don't want to do this.
Which would be another reason I am pushing myself to enroll in school.
(Herzing Online Bachelors of Science in Graphic Design with a focus on Web Design)
Here is hoping FAFSA can help, and I can eventually pay of the loans. Which will actually assist in supporting this family.
I'm not trying to guilt you.
But we can't have anything for the house. Not the desk you want. Nothing that assists in fixing the fact that we have nowhere to put anything.
I'm having a yard sale, and hording all of the money so we don't starve.
You're the one who said you didn't want to live paycheck-to-paycheck. And yet, that is where we'll be.
I'm so afraid. I hate this.
And we still have so many expenses.
The Mustang (that your sister is bugging you about) is the largest one!
And having 2 vehicles and another payment just means I can go LESS places than I do now. Where would I drive? Not to any store. And I'm not lazy enough to drive to the park. If it's too cold to walk, it's too cold to go.
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Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I have to get my ass in gear. If I want anything done, I am going to have to do it myself. Everything is falling apart.
In some ways, I give a shit, in others I could care less.
I need to do laundry.
I need to clean my closet.
I need to stain the table.
... Clip the dogs nails.
... Clean the dining room.
... Excersize.
On top of it all, I lost my 'engagement' ring.
Which was initially a promise ring.
And nobody ever really 'proposed' anyway.
Most of the romance in my marriage is in my head.
I'm okay with that.
I still have my wedding band.
I hate asking you to do anything.
If I ask you to do something, generally it means NOW.
And if you wait, I'm going to do it myself.
I ask you to do something 'when you have a chance'.
Which means I may as well do it, because you won't get around to it.
I don't want a ferret. I don't have the time. Though, I would like the Iguana gone.
"How Do you feel alone?"
I just feel different. Like everyone else is in on some information, and I am not. Like I am some kind of asshole for wanting to hear what is actually going on in the show I am watching. Like people don't want to get close to me. Nobody shares their emotions with me. Everyone treats me like... Idk, like I won't understand or something. Please! Someone get close to me!
I feel like I am losing my mind. Like I can't communicate correctly with anyone. Does that make sense?
Maybe people just don't care. It's not like I have emotional walls, or barriers. Sometimes, it feels like you push me away because you believe that distance will accomplish that anyway, and you don't want to be hurt.
I can bury myself in books.
There is this endless longing.
Oh, blog. You are all I have.
It's so difficult to feel this way. Surrounded by people who 'care'. My Husband only cares when I 'lose it'/get angry.
"Lizard, Why do you feel alone?"
Because those closest to me aren't very close at all.
People push me away. Maybe you don't.
I am thankful for that. There is no fluctuation. You are you. Consistent.
I try to be happy, funny, and Me; I am met with zombie glances. Emotionless. Void of displeasure or approval.
Can you understand?
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Tuesday, February 8, 2011


My stomach is in knots.
And yet. This is the silent time after the hurricane.
The humid day, among all the rubble, after all the tears, and before the cleanup. The time when you look around in awe at all of the destruction. When you watch people try and prop up fallen sheds.
Knowing they will fall again.
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I am whatever you say I am.

Apparently I am many things this week.
I guess I 'Yell' at people when they act out of character and I intend to cheer them up when they seem down. I try to care, and get snapped at for it.
I am a two year old because I believe two adults can have a conversation or disagreement without yelling/cussing/name calling. I don't believe those things help solve anything.
I am alone.
Sure, I'm married and in love. I have a BFF. But on some level, I will always be alone.
I struggle with my emotions. I am so sensitive inside, and so prone to feeling like everything is collapsing.
How, after 8 years can you not understand how badly I need you to hold me? How much I need you to look at me with kind-eyes and not anger? How your sweet words would melt all of my offense..
Sometimes, I feel like you know me, and then when I need you to understand me, I end up crying all alone. And you seem so emotionless. Your 'sorry' is so empty.
These words, these names, where did they come from?
When is it okay to call me a 2-year-old?
Just because I don't want to be cussed at.
It's taking everything to just type this and sob silently to myself.
You never SAID sorry.
You didn't come in here looking anything like sorry.
And we both know, you're not.
Thinking on the argument, all I feel is pain.
You've never said such things to me.
Yes, I got mad because you were gabbing on the phone, and I 'Wanted' your help. I was not done shopping, Belle was fussy, and you were 'busy'.
I decided to check out. At a swift pace.
Fine. Apparently showing you I 'need' you doesn't make you feel like a man.
Good, because I don't NEED you. I don't need any man.
Want. I want the love we had/have.
And here I am.
This pompei, where it seems like there is nothing but ash and ruin.
Where you roll over, thinking I am just mad.
You have broken my heart with those words.
It may not seem harsh, to some.
But we've RARELY argued like this. And I don't think it's okay.
Not remembering how I grew up.
And I hate to say it, but that anger.. It is so familiar.
Maybe any anger will be that way.
But I stood my ground. And I still will.
Fuck you all. I refuse to try and please everyone. I don't expect you to try an please me, which is good, because it's obvious, you people never ever would.
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Monday, February 7, 2011

Think what you want.

Whatever. I don't know who I am supposed to be for everyone else. I cannot seem to find a happy medium between distant and intrusive. I have to believe that distant is better.
Really, why put yourself out there? It's not like I am dating. I'm happily Married.
But why go and try to be close with anyone? You try to put yourself out there, and people just shut you out.
It's not the type of friendship I am used to. Gabe was the first friend I had that was like that.
It's a friendship that I sometimes do not understand.
It seems as though everyone I meet is that way.
Which brings me to the conclusion, it's me.
I read between the lines, and find that, I am left out of them.
I know you don't understand this fully, and please don't try to. Because you will make assumptions and be wrong, and that is good for nobody at all.
Today has sucked.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


Is it wrong that I want to potty in the new potty seat?
How do I get the message across to my Daughter?
She hates a wet Diaper, but other than that, how to I get it across that she needs to pee in it?
The only thing I can think of is to pee in it. I am not at that point.
We're not really in a hurry. Not at all really. Just, she seems to tear off her diaper whenever she goes in it.
Do I need to tell you about the poopy mess that can create?
I think not.

So @Mrs_Flyboy I am making you Peanut Butter Free Peanut Butter-cups!
This will let me know if you are reading my blog ;)
In unrelated news,
I am pretty sure K is lying to Caity as I type.
Whatever. I am trying to keep out of it.

I think Belle is ripping up one of his CD cases. Am I stopping it?
No way. Like I am not stopping Bella from eating a plane.
Ha ha, Caity just stopped Bella. Damn.

Any other news? No, but I will keep you posted on these Peanot-Butter-Cups!
Many pics will follow! I got the Recipe HERE!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Love me not, cage fighting vibrator.

Do you remember when we were in love? When we weren't so sarcastic to each
other. When we were poorer, but happier. When just being a family was reason enough to smile.
Remember when we used to just drive around and talk. Dream about the life we will have one day. The home we might have. What we might do. Where we might go. What we'll do during the weekend.
When we will wrap our arms around each other and let the whole world melt away, as if we had forever to make love, when really we don't.
I still love you, and I know you still love me. But love has taken a backseat to life. It's there, I can see it sometimes. I know it's there.
Can't you remember when it used to be all that ran our life? When love was all we had going for us.
When we treated each moment for what it really is; a gift.
No matter how sexy you tell me I am, I cannot believe it without 'the look'. The look that comes from you looking at me, wanting me, needing me so badly you might drop dead if you don't have me.
Where did that look go? Is it with Red Wallet?
(backstory: I lost Red Wallet and it has never been seen, the last place ANYONE out of the 6 people who lived here at the time, saw it was in the house. all things that go missing are said to be with,or visiting Red Wallet)
I came into the living room to get tired. And that is what I am getting right now.
I also talked to a childhood friend. He talks like his skin is 900x darker than it is. He's a cage fighter who has been in Jail twice for fighting, and he looks like he's on a zillion steroids. I blocked him. I just can't take that level or Moronitude. That's right. Moronitude.
Why do people like to watch fights? Life UFC. I don't get it. The ones I've seen have reminded me of someone with ED struggling with a sexual encounter. Sometimes there is a lot of back and forth, and there is a lot of action, but mostly they hug each other, there are a few punches thrown, and someone TKO's. End of round one. I'd rather watch the D Lions play.
In other news; If I were not breastfeeding, It is highly likely I'd end up an alcoholic. I don't drive anywhere to begin with. Maybe I need coping skills and a vibrator.

EDIT: Remember when we used to watch 'Dead Like Me' :'(


Today is going to be awesome! I am very Excite!
I shouldn't say that. Then it will be a disaster.
As it turns out, we owe the IRS $300..
But today, we get to go buy Belle some clothes that actually fit her.
Some grocery type things.
Some stuff for The Valentines Swap.
I love shopping.
But the greatest thing about today- Caity is getting her hair cut!
We will REALLY look like lesbians then!
All we have to do is convince Friend-X to do the same.
She'll see how fly we look, and how we get hit on 2 times less than the never amount of times we get hit on now!
Not having any hair feels SO good! I hate having to move long hair when I sleep. I hate static cling. I hate when I wake up it look SO nasty and greasy.
Remind me to get shampoo.

ALSO, Husband wants to get a loan for a sport bike.
We used our tax money to pay off our credit cards and loan.
It was a hefty amount, and we are really glad to have that off our shoulders.
Which is why I worry about the sport bike. But he is bitching daily about it.
Is it bad that I would pay $3000 to shut my husband up?

Lastly, I believe that a friend of mine is going through some deployment depression. She's halfway in, and she's become a bit of a shut-in. Any ideas?

Friday, February 4, 2011

New Hair!

I hacked all of my hair off! It feels Amazing!

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