Friday, December 31, 2010

Leave Dec 2010. Part 1.

It didn't start out a disaster. Somehow, thus far, it is a disaster.
The drive itself was fine. Albeit a long 24hour drive including stops.
Lovesband didn't gripe and complain about how long we rested whenever we stopped, like he did last time.
We got in around noon, and went to see Mom.
Blah blah. Normal and regular.
Then The SIL read my Twitter feed.
SIL knows nothing of twitter before this. And would have never stumbled upon it.
What pissed her off?
A comment about her Dad (Who she knows I dislike) being Grumpy.
A comment about me not liking the gift she helped Chris pick out for me.
A comment about how I thought Chris would want a full memory foam pillow and not just foam core.
Hey, I thought it was polite not to say those things to people. And I said them to people who will never speak to the SIL.
Oh, and SILs DH has a BIG problem w/me BFing in the same room as him.
So there's that.
And it just so happened that the estranged inlaws were up from OK.
Which (at the time) was no big deal.
Yeah, until they decide they want to give Belle a rocking horse.
Here is something you need to know about the 'Okies', they are seriously screwed up.
Ex: They are racist Republicans (not saying all repubs are racist!) Who live off of 2 income sources 1) The government (unemployment, welfare yadda yadda) and 2) Andrew. Chris' oldest younger brother. His father passed away maybe 3yrs ago, and Andrew was given SSI or something. Anyway, half is to be used for raising Andrew (in place of his Fathers Child support) and the other half is to be put away for Andrew until he is 18.
They just suck all of it.
They sent me 2 gift baskets last year, 1 when Belle was born, and 1 for my birthday. Both were costly, and I had to hear about how their family went without.
Now, back to the horse.
They dropped it off at Chris' Uncles house for us to pick up. So we did not have to communicate with them.
I made it clear to Scuzband that I did not want it. He said "It's not Errics to deal with, we'll just pick it up"
No, no we won't. Call me a bitch, but I refuse to be near something meant as a 'gift' that caused their family to go without! Which I KNOW they did. I told Scuzband we should give it to Goodwill.
I also told Barb (who the 'Okies' were staying with) that she should tell Mrs.Okie my intentions.
You can bet she did.
Honestly, I thought they should have the opportunity to take the horse back. Which they did.
Along with that, people who were not even speaking to the Okies are now mad at me. Including SIL *EYEROLL*
She even said 'I see where you're coming from' to me, and something different to Scuzband. (Don't Worry, he'll go back to Lovesband eventually :])
Scuzband is now UBER livid. Erric is ticked-off. And lord only knows what Barb and Papaw think.
Apparently the comparison of "Would you accept a gift from Kim Jog Il and let your child play with it?" was not the right thing to say, and Scuzband and I had it out pretty hard over it.
As far as everyone else? They can kiss my ass!
After about 2hrs we made up.
I stand by everything I said and did. Why? Back up your decisions! I made the decision, I still think it was the right one. It would have softened the situation, and lead to the hell we were in before w/the Okies. Don't back down on something you believe is right.
Lastly, WE intended on having My Family Christmas on the 27 w/My Mom, SEESTER, and her family. Due to the coast being battered, my SEESTER had to delay her departure from VA.
Apparently it was highly important we inform the SIL of this.
We hadn't really brought it up. I explained the plan to Scuzband, and I ASSuMEd he'd relay the info by default.
Yeah, not so much.
So, they think we left due to all the bullshit, and not because we were originally intending on staying a few nights with my Mom. In fact SIL2 didn't even LOOK at us as she said bye.
They were all pretty pissy about the whole thing.
Mom made it clear "These women are two-faced. They are not your friend, they want to drive a wedge between you and him. They may act like your friend, but they just want him."
Sadly, she is right. SIL is always in our business about Money and so-such, and it makes me down right livid. So much so that I have made it CLEAR that I do NOT want her knowing about our finances.
She is always putting in her 2cents worth about what we should do, and where we should live. Pushing us to get an apartment when we moved to cherry point. And she's very pissed about us having NO plans to move back to Michigan.
Never EVER will we be staying there on leave.
I thought spending some time there would be good, they always complain about how we don't spend enough time with them.
But that's just not enough.
Anyway, Part two will be much MUCH more cheerful! iPromise
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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Mixed Emotions.

There is this tightrope we walk. This to-and-fro toss of happiness and resentment. Does everyone feel this way? Or are some couples genuinely happy more than 60% of the time?
There are times I cry myself to sleep, feeling shafted. All of the parental duties dumped on me.
This only truly bothered me when I was sick. I had a sinus infection for 3 weeks. It was un-freaking-real. I actually finished a bottle of Vicks Custom care, which I used to chase my tylenol. So I am sick, and guess what, so is the baby. But "I have to get up early" trumps "Green and yellow gunk is coming out of my nose and throat, and I can't hear a thing".
I cried. At 3am, I cried.
He had napped, too.
I try to read a story with my nieces, and Belle comes into the room, he follows, and leaves her there, to destroy the room while I try to get the girls to sleep. Me & all the girls, when you are perfectly capable of watching Belle through the Grinch stealing Christmas.

Of course, what keeps my spirits afloat is my Mommy :) She got me many thoughtful gifts. It's not so much that, it's that she believes I am easy to shop for. Because she knows me so well, and I know I am as dear to her as she is to me (and as Belle is to me). I never understood how dear I am to my Mommy, until I had Belle.
Yesterday we wrapped gifts together, talked, and laughed. It was good :)
I'm going to end the blog on a happy note. I don't type enough like that.
Merry Christmas <3
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Friday, December 10, 2010

An Ordinary Evening.

She feels warm enough, and yet my own feet cannot find heat. I have to assume it's a fever. Why not, it's been torturing me all week. I lie between the blankets in televisually lit room, watching her sift meticulously through toys and other various items on the floor. Grabbing one, inspecting it, pressing its buttons, turning its pages. Deciding it isn't more entertaining than what plays on the T.V., she moves on. Finally, selling on a large golden EGA.
I wait. Hour since the 2200 he went to bed, we are still awake. I'll get hell for it in the morning. We'll wake up hours later than his predetermined (and undisclosed) 'wake up' time, and he'll say the same thing he says about it every weekend. I've long since given up indignant feelings about it.
As soon as she nurses to sleep, I'll run downstairs and take more medicine: 1shot of Vick's something-or-the-other, and 2 Off-Brand Tylenol; it's all I can do to breathe while sleeping.
I don't know how the schedule ended up this way. I refuse to torment her by some futile attempt to force her to sleep or not according to when somebody thinks she ought to.
She will just scream, and I'll recieve dirty looks through droopy eyelids. Oh yes, we've been there.
This entire week I have claimed I am dying. Some invisible entity is crushing my sinuses with a specially designed vice. The Mucus Glob and his wife (From those Mucinex commercials) are residing in my lungs. And the Goodyear blimp has been replaced with a suitable stand-in; My head.
I'm either drugged up beyond comprehension, or to sick to know what's going on.
These feelings are only intolerable when the clock hits 0200.
She looks at me, flashes her squinty eyed, big-as-bears toothy grin. I smile back, she giggles, and resumes trying to chew the EGA.
It's either that, or she lies across my side, elbowing me between each and every rib.
I love her endlessly. My heart finds her to be mine, much more than is equal. There are only a handful of moments I can recall not spending with her.
It is nights like this that I honestly believe- It's you and me against the world, Monkey.
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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A Thought.

I was reading a blog by another Milspouse I follow on twitter. She was discussing the hardships her family is facing financially. Her husband is Marine Corps Reserves, and wanted to re-enlist for financial reasons. He's a SGT, 2 MOS's, and there is no 'room' for him, they are recruiting NEW Marines, and paying to train them, but not a well trained one.
This makes me worry.
Lovesband doesn't want to re-enlist, and I worry that, once we are in a financial crunch post EAS, and THEN he decides to re-enlist, there won't be 'room'.
Or don't.
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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

To Whom It May Concern

I want this feeling of perpetual lethargy to go away. I want to feel as if my heart is actually beating, because sometimes, I honestly wonder. Everyone is always tired. Those hours when our schedules cross, it's only dinner. Today, I saw you awake for 3hours total. I am tired of my life feeling like The movie 'Groundhog day'.
Being sick has not helped my morale. I know I can be me, but what do I do with that?
I need more energy. I seriously have to work on that. If anything is going to get done about my life, I'm going to have to do it myself.
And then.
Then we can see what is left when that dust settles.
Because -This- is not working for me.
Decidedly, I need a new mindset.
I have to do it my damn self.
Everything. I refuse to ask for help unless I cannot physically do it myself.
Please sickness, go away. I need to show the world I'm not fucking around anymore.
The world has a name.
And it's middle name is 'Patriarchal'.
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I am sick as a dog. I'm so sick, I can hardly sleep. My head is a giant throbbing balloon with razors flowing a steady burning stream through my sinuses. My chest is frozen in a corseted position filled with glass. And the only person who cares (beyond Belle) is Caity.
Caity is so kind, cleaning up my nasty snot rags, and she brought me soup yesterday.
I can see you from here. Sprawled across the bed. Taking every inch.
I hate being mad at you, but I fucking hate watching you sleep. "You Sleep all day"
Really? Because for a month I've been going to bed at 3 or 4am (because the baby would not sleep).
And today "if you weren't sick, you should have got up when I did."
"That's when most babies get up."
"Who? What babies?"
I AM NOT CANDYCE! I am raising my daughter just fine. I am so over this bullshit.
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Sunday, December 5, 2010


Tell a woman she's beautiful every day, she'll never believe you. Tell her she's fat, she'll believe it her whole life.
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Days come and go. So many pass by, and I wonder if it will always feel like 'Groundhog Day'?
There are so many days I feel like I can't win. I feel like I am fading into the background.
So many days, I feel underappreciated.
It's just one of those days.
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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Money sucks.

I am so overwhelmed. There is an ocean of things in waves of disorginization, they keep smacking against my shore. Money, Job, School, Baby, House- Repeat.
I try to feed my Family 'Good Food'. Ex. Homemade chili, stew, orange chicken, pot roast. These things always include plenty of veggies. We, of course, have a budget we like to stick to, and we have a list. This list includes all ingredents needed for the 2week pay period for each meal, also snacks. This pay period we spent $231.99
I finally looked up online "How much should a family of 3 spend on groceries?"
The average seems to be $400. Of course our budget includes hygine items, diapers, and this week a sale roasting pan (we keep buying disposable), and 2 toys for Toys For Tots.
But, I nearly lost it in the meat department.
I keep hearing about how much the grocery bill is. Looking at the prices of meat... I could hardly breathe. Thinking to myself "I can't. I just can't get that. What am I going to do? He'll see the meat, and he'll be so mad. I can't do this!"
We have to pay down our debt. I don't see what we are doing wrong.
Should I really be teaching my child to live off of Ramen noodles, mac and cheese, and hamburger helper?
The problem, as I see it, is the Loan(s), and 2 credit cards.
But right now, I am so tired of hearing about money. I'm going to just shut down.
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Wednesday, December 1, 2010


I have a splitting headache. I'm tired. And I'd like to curl up in my warm crowded bed and go nuh-night *weeps*
But, my baby is still up. Running around, playing, generally enjoying herself.
Don't tell me I need to keep her from napping. I just can't torment my child like that. I'd like for her to be tired at a reasonable hour, but I would like her to sleep when TIRED not just because it's time to. Like eating. Eat when you are hungry, not just because it's TIME to eat. I'm probably becoming ill, but I can tough this out.
It'll eventually get fixed, right?
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