Sunday, October 23, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
It is NOT because I do not think he is sexy. I am very attracted to my Husband.
The problem is that he does not feel sexy.
This causes conflict with the 'Very attracted to Husband' fact seen above.
How frustrating that fact may be is nothing in comparison to the sadness I felt when 'we' finally came to this conclusion. He knew all along, but felt he could not tell me.
From a female standpoint, when your Husband doesn't want you, you assume it's you. At least after a significant amount of time. So I obviously felt it was me that was not up to par in the physical attractiveness, I am a Mom... it takes its toll.
When have I become the person he could not talk to?
He's been to the gym once so far (which was Thursday, and I told him Wednesday night he had to gym it up). I am hoping this yields positive results. I don't care if he's ripped, or even trim.
I can't take the day-to-day banter without.... occasional closeness.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I have to prepare myself for a life with very few friends.
I am not saying that there is anything wrong with the world, or wrong with me. It just is.
It's not what I want, but it just is. I need something to look forward to, a reason to get off the couch. Right now, I am trying. I am trying very hard to come up with things that will make my world turn, because it feels like it isn't.
I don't feel like I am good at anything, I feel lazy, and don't have a high self esteem. I need to fix that.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
An old friend once had their Myspace (yeah, THAT old) who I'd like to meet say "I've already met everyone I need to know"
Or something like that.
Young and optimistic, I thought- How can someone feel that way? There are SO many great people to know!
Yes, and so many douchy assholes. I hate people.
I do. Honestly, when did people decide that you had to be a particular way, and if you aren't, you're singled out?
My Grandpa, he's a bit odd. Sometimes he posts odd things on my statuses that don't even relate, but he's a good guy. Know what I do, I @ him a :) or something.
He is who he is, and he means well and wants to connect. We are so far away. Some people just get so... douchy.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
We never expected to do it a second time, we were told that wouldn't happen. But I have gotten pretty good at knowing one sure thing about the Military- Things change.
The upside is that it is much shorter than the last one, and this is a very humanitarian deployment. Not OEF or OIF.
The downside is that we will break even as far as money goes, he will leave less than a month after returning to support EMV (enhanced Mojave Viper) for 3 months. Also, the communication on this will be a lot less than OEF. I talked to Lovesband almost every Sunday anytime between noon and 3pm EST. There was a time we went 5 weeks with no communication. There will be no Moto-Mail.
This time, I will be at OUR home. I won't be making the mistake of moving "home" for this deployment.
This time, I have a support system (ESSENTIAL).
This time, in a Corps town, I won't feel like a leper.
Something about non-military folk knowing your Hubs is deployed makes them feel all sorry for you. I know they mean well, but it's nice for someone to talk about it with strength behind their eyes, knowing how you feel, and having a smile for you. The look in the eyes of my non-military relations just said "you poor thing".
Plus, last time, I tried so hard to have friends, and nice as I was, as willing as I was to drive all over to anywhere; people either shut me out, blew me off, or wanted me to party.
Photography, and this blog, are all that I had. And for a time, Suzanne.
This time I'll have college. And as any Milspouse can tell you, doing a SINGLE productive thing (accomplishing a shower, loading the dishwasher) can seriously make a day.
I sometimes I wish I was more like my Twitter pals. They seem to have this SAHM thing down. Me, I am a recluse, I hide in my house, in my PJs, for days at a time, eating cheese-its and grapes. I wish I would muster the motivation to be productive daily. Something's wrong with me. I don't keep a gorgeous home, I sometimes know not where my child has left her diaper...
I swear I'll get better at this.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
I am going to try, but I am not sure how well it is going to come out.
There is a deployment coming, and it's a hell of a lot closer than 6mo out. There will be no extra pay beyond separation pay, and a small amount of sea pay (I believe), but we will lose COMRATS, and separation and sea pay will probably not cover that, and none of it is tax exempt. Once this is over (IF he is back on time) he will be home for less than a month, and will be gone for 3mo. We are told that the communication will be nothing like OEF. If memory serves me, for the latter half (non deployment) of him being gone, it will also be very minimal.
We are told not to send care packages for the Deployment.
I don't think I could feel more alone right now, college is a complicated process that Husband does not seem interested in. He does not want to talk about deployment. Everyone is busy. Everyone has a life that they are living, people they hang out with. I'm stranded here.
Thank God for Belle. Without her, this really would be a much different post. Sometimes she is the only reason some things do not cross my mind. She makes me a better person, by far.
I cannot sleep. Try as I might, I lay there, thoughts or none. Hallucinations plague my evening. Perhaps an hour or two, and it is time to be awake.
In the afternoon, I watch everyone sleep.
Rat, Dogs, Child, Husband. Sleeping.
Surely not feeling this choke-hold- this chest crushing depression. The simplest tasks bring waves of Anxiety that overthrow me.
I am in a bubble. a cage. Someone has thrown that cage into the ocean, I am drowning, but never die, just the constant panic and inability to breathe.
I feel as if you no longer care. You have moved on with your life. I miss you so much, it brings me to tears just to think of it. I am left behind.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sorry, folks! We've been VERY busy, and recently, the whole house is sick. Even the dog is vomiting all over.
I had the inlaws here for a week, and it was a BLAST!
Let me explain the Inlaws. Legally, and by blood, they are not related to Lovesband.
They used to be.
His Mother is a whore.
Oh, you probably want better explanation. heh.
She married the father of the gals we now consider his sisters. She was married to them for about 12 years. So, to Lovesband, they are his sisters. We don't speak to his Mother, so they are all he has.
In life, you CAN choose your family. His Mother was so toxic, we had to get her out of our lives. I digress, here are some photos.
Yeah. It was an AWESOME week <3
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Part of me can't wait for October 13th 2012. Sure, I've met some great people, but the distance between us and regular civilians is too wide a gap. It's been almost 3 years, I can say I am good friends with 2 people in real life. One is an hour away, and the other is moving 2,800miles at the end of the month. Other than that, I don't know anybody. Maybe it's my fault. I try to be social, but people just seem to not want to know me. I say "let me know when is good for you!"
And they never let me know. I see them out and about doing things with other people. I can't help but be jealous. I am not jealous because they have a friend that is not me, I am jealous that they have what I want. Friendship.
Suzanne would have been perfect. Had she not been insane. She was a 22y/o BFing Mom. Her daughter a month younger than mine. We cooked together, went to panera. She was in a deployment almost over, I was about to enter one.
Alas, she lost her cookies. I knew she wasn't perfect, I knew she lied, I knew she suffered with anorexia, and borderline personality disorder, and I accepted all of that. We were friends for almost a year.
I knew I could always call Suzanne. She could always call me. I would always answer, or call RIGHT back.
I am just starting to feel closed off from the world.
Like they don't want me anymore.
I want a friend who knows that a favor is not an imposition, that they don't owe me anything in return but friendship.
Friday, June 10, 2011
I've spent the night crying.
I'm so pathetic. How did I ever wind up to be so lost, and so angry?
All I ever wanted was QUALITY TIME. In this military life, in this day and age, Quantity in relation to time is really unrealistic. You can spend all the time you want with someone, and never get anything from it. We are coming in on a few week seperation, and you would think that we would try to spend a lot of good quality time together.
Right now, I am struggling so much.
How many different ways can I put it?
I NEED your QUALITY TIME to feel loved, and some words of affirmation would also be appreciated. You? I honestly don't know what you want, besides your bike, anymore.
The point is, without you spending some meaningful time with me, and reminding me I am important, I do not feel loved.
What, is the simple fact that you're here supposed to prove to me that you care? It doesn't.
I say "hey maybe we can go to the pool tomorrow!" Because we can't go to the Ocean, we are broke, so I am trying to think of free, fun things to do. You look at me with a face that says "yeah, how about we don't" and mumble something about not liking public pools. Yeah, this conversation happening at the park, which you're not enjoying either.
The past few nights, we've settled into sitting on opposite sides of the room, doing different things, not paying attention to eachother at all. You're on KatRiders.com, and I'm only watching whatever I'm watching on NetFlix to pass the time until you're done. But when you're done, you go to bed. The baby sleeps, and you want nothing to do with me.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
It's been ages since I've gotten the motivation to work out.
Today, such motivation hit. I went full throttle into some Insanity Abs with Buddy, who is my usual work out companion. I was doing quite well, if I do say so myself. Though, during the work out there are many a manuver done on the floor, leaned back a bit, with your legs flailing about in some manner.
You don't want to know the rest, but lucky you; I'm going to tell it.
I received rug burn at the very top of my ass-crack. It's not pretty. It hurts like hell whenever my cheeks rub together (WHICH IS ALWAYS).
To top it off, I have rug burn on my elbows from some low plank positioned flailing. So, now it just looks like I've had some wild sexual tryst recently. I mean, had it just been my posterior, nobody would really know, but until the elbow burn goes away...
I'll wear different pants tomorrow, and figure out somethinng for my poor elbows.
When we did, we both got quality time as our Love Language. Perfect, right? Yeaaaah, not so much.
I think, when Lovesband filled it out, he was either putting down what he thought I would want him to put down, or he was in a post-boot camp/pre-MCT/getting married romantic high.
I just feel that this is not his language.
I think we should take the class offered through MCCS.
Have you taken it?
Remember when I posted about that Ant Repellant I made a while back?
I have no idea if it worked. The results are a bit inconclusive.
Before we applied the repellant, we (BFFF and I) DEEEEEP cleaned the house. Under appliances, and I even mopped the wall.
Then, I accidentally left a Zebra Cake (BFFF is not a Zebra Cake fan) wrapper out on the porch. It attracted 1 cockroach and 485743 ants.
But, since then, and the application of the "Repellant", I haven't seen a single ant in the house.
It's a nice alternative to harsh chemicals, I suppose. Does it really work? I'm not sure.
Yeah, what an awesome post.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Is it normal, in a marriage, to end up feeling more like friends than lovers? I feel so... rejected.
I don't even feel like we're BEST friends. Our relationship is so quiet. I feel like I'm bothering him all the time. Holding him back, and just plain annoying him. Sometimes, we have bouts of intimacy.
It's like he's avoiding it. Avoiding me. He's just not interested.
I'll be honest, before marriage, I'd have taken that disinterest to the bank, and cashed it in for an account with interest. Now, I have to roll with the punches.
At the moment, I just want to go to sleep, and wake up to a different tomorrow. I'm confident, and feeling sexy as ever. Yet, I cannot hold his interest.
And, I'm pent up. Ya know?
My Mother always made it clear that I have to uh, "take care of my man". So, what about me? Hey! Weilder of the lap rocket, yeah you! Can I get some time?.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
It smells like herbalists live here. I guess it's better than chemicals.
I'm so granola. Damnit.
I'll let you know how it works out.
Monday, May 30, 2011
I want to wear a particular dress to the Ball in November, I really need to get this weight off.
I know I can. I just have to begin.
Something that may hurt you, or seem stupid, may not have been borne from feelings or intent to hurt.
It breaks my heart when people take something I do in a way I don't intend. Even moreso when it has to do with something that I don't know about.
I want to be someone that people can say "I know you didn't mean to upset me, but ________________, upsets me"
I don't WANT to upset people. Especially those I care so ver much about. I want to make those people smile, and laugh.
I want to be somebody that the people I am close with can share feelings with.
I am not yet this person. I need to be this person.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
I don't know why it is so hard for me to enjoy life.
I feel so out of place in my own life.
I'm so angry all the time.
Nobody cares about the same things I care about, maybe BFF.
Honestly, I really need to stop asking Lovesband to do anything.
He doesn't get things done within, what I consider, a reasonable time-frame. Then I just do these things myself, and he gets all pissed off.
So, if I just skipped to doing it myself, it would solve this whole problem.
Right now, I am focused on getting the diaper bag packed for tomorrow. I'm very tired, it's almost 0100, and Belle has yet to fall asleep.
If Lovesband had taken the 2 minutes it takes to pack the diaper bag an hour ago, before he went to bed, I could be focused on sleeping.
We are late ALL THE TIME. I would rather lose sleep than be late to Church.
I am not a happy person when I am tired. I am actually VERY cranky when I am tired. I am tired.
Friday, May 27, 2011
I picture being looked at the way Lovesband looks at me when he gets back from the field, more often than when he gets back from the field.
I picture going on walks like I did with BFF and Buddy. Just enjoying the walk. I'll have to upload photos, we had such a fun time walking around New Bern at night. It's beautiful, so quiet, and the walk, with no destination, no real reason, it was so amazing.
I know Lovesband would have complained the entire time.
Maybe that is what BFF is for. To enjoy things like that with.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
It's not like I'm going to tattle about everything, but some things (like sleeping with another Marine's wife) are a pretty big deal.
I also don't understand why Marines get pissed off that the FRO is giving their wives information. It's the same information the Marines are given.
This stuff is pretty discouraging. I'd like to help develop some sort of comraderie with the company. As far as I can tell, everyone mostly keeps to themselves. I don't know if it's because they choose to, or because they don't know where to start.
We've been here 2 years, and I still hardly know anyone in the Company.
I just feel unlikeable these days, and so socially awkward.
I don't know if the Marines I talked to this morning were nice because they enjoyed talking to me, or because they felt they had to be.
Someone get me some Xanax.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
I haven't had much time with her in ages.
Deployment is not fair!
I want to treat her like a brand new puppy, I've missed her so!
It's a bittersweet place to be.
Happy to see her, and spend time with her, sad to know exactly how she feels, and loathe that such a feeling exists.
Until you watch someone with 2 seabags, an ILBE pack, and your entire heart walk to a bus/plane/7 ton knowing that it's going to be for so long, in a dangerous place, with limited contact- you don't know how much your heart can ache, how everything feels off, anxiety, panic, depression. Ugh.
I hope she knows how super stoked I am to have her here, and get to spend time with her :D
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Lovesband, for the past few years, has been all I have. I've made attempts at friends, but it just doesn't work out.
They're far away. They move away. They pull/push away.
We've been here almost 2 years, and nobody wants to be my friend.
Lovesband has Duty today, and I am stuck with Buddy.
I hope he goes for a ride. I'd rather be here with 4 dogs alone.
I had high hopes for cheering someone up today.
Now, I have to try and cheer myself up. Using myself.
Not that I was going to make everything better, but if you think about it all the time, and have no friends, it will consume you. Sometimes, to survive, you have to push it away.
In suite, I am going to go about this in that manner.
Today is a regular old Saturday by myself.
And I don't miss BFF to tears.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
You know what really pisses me off?
I'll tell you.
When the dishes are done wrong. Or when people take my clothes out of the dryer and put them somewhere random in a rumpled pile, or put that pile on top of the dirty clothes hamper.
I don't see where; putting the small spoons with the small spoons, the cookware with the cookware (and so on) is so hard?
Not looking at what comes out of the dishwasher and therefore putting disgusting things where the clean things go- or rather spinning in a circle and tossing them in whatever cupboard or drawer they land in.
How about when you tell people to STOP overloading the dishwasher?
"Nothing in here is really clean, even though it ran"
"That's probably because it was overloaded"
"Ok, I'm going to run it again, and put more stuff in it"
YES, that seems like the right idea!
ACTUAL conversation. I shit you not.
I mean, I have LITERALLY asked you to stop helping altogether.
I'd rather have no help at all, than end up with twice the work, and serious disappointment when I look in the drawer for the flippy-do thing that I use for flipping eggs and pancakes whose name escapes me, and it is STILL caked with Scrapple!
Then, I have to wash it, and my egg ends up overdone. Not that I am seriously particular, but it never hurts to have a good egg day.
Currently I am gulping coffee. I had the luxury of making that myself, sometimes Buddy ends up making it. 4 cups of water+ 4 scoops of grounds= $%(#%@&%^^")@^(%$&(#&%!!!!!!!!!
That is called a K Pot. K is BFF's Husband, and has an affinity for Starbucks coffee made at heart attack strength.
We are on day 2 without a shower, but I am going to shower before Lovesband gets home. I really am.
We have a lot of 'Gone' coming up, so this house needs to get clean so that it can function with 1 person living in a 3 bedroom 2.5 bathroom town home. We're getting there, and we actually (Lovesband and I) work well cleaning together. Buddy and I on the other hand...... It's stabtastic.