Sunday, July 31, 2011

Pre-Deployment #2

We never expected to do it a second time, we were told that wouldn't happen. But I have gotten pretty good at knowing one sure thing about the Military- Things change.
The upside is that it is much shorter than the last one, and this is a very humanitarian deployment. Not OEF or OIF.
The downside is that we will break even as far as money goes, he will leave less than a month after returning to support EMV (enhanced Mojave Viper) for 3 months. Also, the communication on this will be a lot less than OEF. I talked to Lovesband almost every Sunday anytime between noon and 3pm EST. There was a time we went 5 weeks with no communication. There will be no Moto-Mail.

This time, I will be at OUR home. I won't be making the mistake of moving "home" for this deployment.
This time, I have a support system (ESSENTIAL).
This time, in a Corps town, I won't feel like a leper.
Something about non-military folk knowing your Hubs is deployed makes them feel all sorry for you. I know they mean well, but it's nice for someone to talk about it with strength behind their eyes, knowing how you feel, and having a smile for you. The look in the eyes of my non-military relations just said "you poor thing".

Plus, last time, I tried so hard to have friends, and nice as I was, as willing as I was to drive all over to anywhere; people either shut me out, blew me off, or wanted me to party.
Photography, and this blog, are all that I had. And for a time, Suzanne.

This time I'll have college. And as any Milspouse can tell you, doing a SINGLE productive thing (accomplishing a shower, loading the dishwasher) can seriously make a day.

Maybe it's just me.

I sometimes I wish I was more like my Twitter pals. They seem to have this SAHM thing down. Me, I am a recluse, I hide in my house, in my PJs, for days at a time, eating cheese-its and grapes. I wish I would muster the motivation to be productive daily. Something's wrong with me. I don't keep a gorgeous home, I sometimes know not where my child has left her diaper...
I swear I'll get better at this.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

If you must know.

I don't know how to start. I don't know how to clearly explain just how I feel.
I am going to try, but I am not sure how well it is going to come out.
There is a deployment coming, and it's a hell of a lot closer than 6mo out. There will be no extra pay beyond separation pay, and a small amount of sea pay (I believe), but we will lose COMRATS, and separation and sea pay will probably not cover that, and none of it is tax exempt. Once this is over (IF he is back on time) he will be home for less than a month, and will be gone for 3mo. We are told that the communication will be nothing like OEF. If memory serves me, for the latter half (non deployment) of him being gone, it will also be very minimal.
We are told not to send care packages for the Deployment.
I don't think I could feel more alone right now, college is a complicated process that Husband does not seem interested in. He does not want to talk about deployment. Everyone is busy. Everyone has a life that they are living, people they hang out with. I'm stranded here.
Thank God for Belle. Without her, this really would be a much different post. Sometimes she is the only reason some things do not cross my mind. She makes me a better person, by far.
I cannot sleep. Try as I might, I lay there, thoughts or none. Hallucinations plague my evening. Perhaps an hour or two, and it is time to be awake.
In the afternoon, I watch everyone sleep.
Rat, Dogs, Child, Husband. Sleeping.
Surely not feeling this choke-hold- this chest crushing depression. The simplest tasks bring waves of Anxiety that overthrow me.
I am in a bubble. a cage. Someone has thrown that cage into the ocean, I am drowning, but never die, just the constant panic and inability to breathe.
I feel as if you no longer care. You have moved on with your life. I miss you so much, it brings me to tears just to think of it. I am left behind.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

DIY Life Edition.

Scuzband says we have passed the time to reenlist. It used to be that you could do so until the day of. Now, it is much harder. My Mom said "They need Soldiers, maybe they'll give him more time" 1) Seriously, Mom?! He's not a Soldier. For the 4,563,453rd time. Nothing wrong with being a Soldier, but he is a Marine. Has been for almost 2.5yrs. (Not counting boot camp). 2) No, they don't. They don't need more. They need 22,000 less. 3) He will not so much as utter a "Maybe" on that subject. Never ever. "Maybe the economy will pick up by then" 1) What?! How in the hell is that going to happen? Is the inflation fairy going to sprinkle magic dust? In 1yr the Economy will be better? I love you, but an economist you are not. 2) Like that will even matter. Neither of us are qualified to do anything. Oh, I can wait tables and work retail. He can be a crew leader at a fast food joint. Sweet. That will get us health-care. That'll pay the bills. Fuck your $300 bike. It's now broken. We also paid $20 to have someone 'tune it in' for you to use it 10times. How long have I been bugging you about college? Huh? I planned to go to college before, I waited for you. Then you joined the Marine Corps, didn't want to marry me. I took you back, I followed you here. I went through a deployment as a solo-parent. You were supposed to be leading us to a better life. I followed you, believing that you were newly motivated to give us the life I thought we dreamed of. Set backs. These are set backs? No. You've had a long fucking time to figure out a goddamned plan, and execute it. You have not. You are your own set back. You will not set your family back. I have to do this on my own. I have to make my own money, figure out college for myself. I want to provide for my daughter. I want to keep my dog. I don't need the 'finer things' in life, but I'd like to afford clothes for Belle off of the sales rack at TJMAXX. I want her to go to school with a nice backpack, and the supplies she will need. I want to be able to take her to the Zoo sometimes. I know it's aa long road. But it would really help if you would get in the fucking car.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Mooove over, buddy.

I've only ever liked one roomie out of the 3 Lovesband and I have experienced for an extended period of time. I hear that women sometimes get catty, and that can cause problems, honestly, BFF was the best roomie ever. EVER. We lived together, and are STILL BMFFF. That should say something. Maybe it's the mindset. Women (esp. married ones) like to keep a decent home. We run it, it is ours. We are used to shit being done the way we do it, help is only okay when it is done the way that we usually have it done, otherwise it's a pain. For example- if all of the things in your kitchen are suddenly in new places, if your cups are put away upright, if things are melted in the dishwasher, if your laundry is in rumpled piles, your fridge is stockpiled with beer, your microwave smells like Taiwainese farts (and so does everything you cook in it), Your furniture is wet and smells of beer (often)... just to name a few. BFF and I didn't/don't always get along, but we love and respect eachother. Something that, at times, has taken some work and pain honing in correctly; so we get over those things, tweet, and make up. The male roomies we have had generally have no respect for anyone what-so-ever. Hell, not even themselves. I'm tired of it. Each day is like putting my head in a blender. I get that men are forgetful, that isn't the problem. "Hey, there were a bunch of cans in the trash, I rinsed them out for recycling" What SHOULD have happened "Oh, sorry! I forgot" (no biggie) What Happened "Why?" "Because we recycle" "Yeah, but you didn't have to dig them out" "Yes, I did. What else was I going to do?" "Leave them there" This happens with EVERYTHING!!!! Seriously, everything. It's a headache. From Motorcycle safety, to beer taste, to facts, EVERYTHING is some kind of debate. The worst part is that we can never just drop it, he has to bug, like it's going to solve something. IT NEVER DOES! Lately, I just ignore him. I don't answer his planted questions. They are ALL planted. "How should I start an essay?" "I usually start with a relevant quote" "Fuck that, I don't want to look shit up, this essay is stupid, why write an essay about why I want to continue my education?" Seriously? YOU ASKED! Now you want to argue? Ugh. So, he's moving back to the barracks. I am hoping it eases the friendship. I do want to remain friends, and have him over often. DH feels bad, and I don't. I feel disrespected, and this is the second place he's been that hasn't worked out for him. Most of all, I am tired of worrying about his irresponsible behavior. Getting trashed by himself on a Monday night, Driving his motorcycle after a few beers (and with little PPE). I worry too much to watch the downward spiral. I'll be glad for the calm. I've come to the conclusion that I don't much like people. Usually they are ignorant, self-centered, malevolent, rude, or all of the above. I'm going to have to be happy as a hermit. I expect decency out of people. That is far too much.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


It has been some time since I have put a post on here!
Sorry, folks! We've been VERY busy, and recently, the whole house is sick. Even the dog is vomiting all over.
I had the inlaws here for a week,  and it was a BLAST!
Let me explain the Inlaws. Legally, and by blood, they are not related to Lovesband.
They used to be.
His Mother is a whore.
Oh, you probably want better explanation. heh.
She married the father of the gals we now consider his sisters. She was married to them for about 12 years. So, to Lovesband, they are his sisters. We don't speak to his Mother, so they are all he has.
In life, you CAN choose your family. His Mother was so toxic, we had to get her out of our lives. I digress, here are some photos.
This is a beam from the Twin Towers

This is the Beirut Memorial in Jacksonville, NC 

This is actually the 4th of July, what an awesome day to see this!
(We went with Coco on Memorial Day, also)

We went to see the Fireworks on Camp Lejeune! They had The Jane Deer Girls! They opened for the
2mar div band, which was AMAZING!
(Coco witnessed her first Colors)
We went to the Aquarium at Pine Knoll shores on Toothy Tuesday!
We LOVE this Aquarium, and the Inlaws loved it, too!

This was SIL's LEAST favorite exhibit! 
(The snakes) 
Yeah, I had to. 
We're a little blurry, but it's Belle and I!

We went to the park, it was probably 95F with humidity.
Kiddos still had a BLAST!

I tried to keep them well entertained!
They are such great people!

And Belle LOVES her cousins!

But Uncle J SOOO was not getting a kiss.

<3 So sweet!

Keeping them hydrated, of course!

So, after the Inlaws left, we had an inappropriate birthday for Coco <3 
And we made a Facebook and Youtube for our unconventional family- The PeBolBakken's.
Which is a mix of 3 last names. 
There are, in fact, pictures.

All my ducks in a row <3


I didn't know Coco was behind me LOL

Ahh, Family Photo out by the "Rape Spot"

Secret Lovers <3



To Dispose of the body. I mean...

Yeah. It was an AWESOME week <3

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