Thursday, July 28, 2011

If you must know.

I don't know how to start. I don't know how to clearly explain just how I feel.
I am going to try, but I am not sure how well it is going to come out.
There is a deployment coming, and it's a hell of a lot closer than 6mo out. There will be no extra pay beyond separation pay, and a small amount of sea pay (I believe), but we will lose COMRATS, and separation and sea pay will probably not cover that, and none of it is tax exempt. Once this is over (IF he is back on time) he will be home for less than a month, and will be gone for 3mo. We are told that the communication will be nothing like OEF. If memory serves me, for the latter half (non deployment) of him being gone, it will also be very minimal.
We are told not to send care packages for the Deployment.
I don't think I could feel more alone right now, college is a complicated process that Husband does not seem interested in. He does not want to talk about deployment. Everyone is busy. Everyone has a life that they are living, people they hang out with. I'm stranded here.
Thank God for Belle. Without her, this really would be a much different post. Sometimes she is the only reason some things do not cross my mind. She makes me a better person, by far.
I cannot sleep. Try as I might, I lay there, thoughts or none. Hallucinations plague my evening. Perhaps an hour or two, and it is time to be awake.
In the afternoon, I watch everyone sleep.
Rat, Dogs, Child, Husband. Sleeping.
Surely not feeling this choke-hold- this chest crushing depression. The simplest tasks bring waves of Anxiety that overthrow me.
I am in a bubble. a cage. Someone has thrown that cage into the ocean, I am drowning, but never die, just the constant panic and inability to breathe.
I feel as if you no longer care. You have moved on with your life. I miss you so much, it brings me to tears just to think of it. I am left behind.

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