Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I have to get my ass in gear. If I want anything done, I am going to have to do it myself. Everything is falling apart.
In some ways, I give a shit, in others I could care less.
I need to do laundry.
I need to clean my closet.
I need to stain the table.
... Clip the dogs nails.
... Clean the dining room.
... Excersize.
On top of it all, I lost my 'engagement' ring.
Which was initially a promise ring.
And nobody ever really 'proposed' anyway.
Most of the romance in my marriage is in my head.
I'm okay with that.
I still have my wedding band.
I hate asking you to do anything.
If I ask you to do something, generally it means NOW.
And if you wait, I'm going to do it myself.
I ask you to do something 'when you have a chance'.
Which means I may as well do it, because you won't get around to it.
I don't want a ferret. I don't have the time. Though, I would like the Iguana gone.
"How Do you feel alone?"
I just feel different. Like everyone else is in on some information, and I am not. Like I am some kind of asshole for wanting to hear what is actually going on in the show I am watching. Like people don't want to get close to me. Nobody shares their emotions with me. Everyone treats me like... Idk, like I won't understand or something. Please! Someone get close to me!
I feel like I am losing my mind. Like I can't communicate correctly with anyone. Does that make sense?
Maybe people just don't care. It's not like I have emotional walls, or barriers. Sometimes, it feels like you push me away because you believe that distance will accomplish that anyway, and you don't want to be hurt.
I can bury myself in books.
There is this endless longing.
Oh, blog. You are all I have.
It's so difficult to feel this way. Surrounded by people who 'care'. My Husband only cares when I 'lose it'/get angry.
"Lizard, Why do you feel alone?"
Because those closest to me aren't very close at all.
People push me away. Maybe you don't.
I am thankful for that. There is no fluctuation. You are you. Consistent.
I try to be happy, funny, and Me; I am met with zombie glances. Emotionless. Void of displeasure or approval.
Can you understand?
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