Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I am whatever you say I am.

Apparently I am many things this week.
I guess I 'Yell' at people when they act out of character and I intend to cheer them up when they seem down. I try to care, and get snapped at for it.
I am a two year old because I believe two adults can have a conversation or disagreement without yelling/cussing/name calling. I don't believe those things help solve anything.
I am alone.
Sure, I'm married and in love. I have a BFF. But on some level, I will always be alone.
I struggle with my emotions. I am so sensitive inside, and so prone to feeling like everything is collapsing.
How, after 8 years can you not understand how badly I need you to hold me? How much I need you to look at me with kind-eyes and not anger? How your sweet words would melt all of my offense..
Sometimes, I feel like you know me, and then when I need you to understand me, I end up crying all alone. And you seem so emotionless. Your 'sorry' is so empty.
These words, these names, where did they come from?
When is it okay to call me a 2-year-old?
Just because I don't want to be cussed at.
It's taking everything to just type this and sob silently to myself.
You never SAID sorry.
You didn't come in here looking anything like sorry.
And we both know, you're not.
Thinking on the argument, all I feel is pain.
You've never said such things to me.
Yes, I got mad because you were gabbing on the phone, and I 'Wanted' your help. I was not done shopping, Belle was fussy, and you were 'busy'.
I decided to check out. At a swift pace.
Fine. Apparently showing you I 'need' you doesn't make you feel like a man.
Good, because I don't NEED you. I don't need any man.
Want. I want the love we had/have.
And here I am.
This pompei, where it seems like there is nothing but ash and ruin.
Where you roll over, thinking I am just mad.
You have broken my heart with those words.
It may not seem harsh, to some.
But we've RARELY argued like this. And I don't think it's okay.
Not remembering how I grew up.
And I hate to say it, but that anger.. It is so familiar.
Maybe any anger will be that way.
But I stood my ground. And I still will.
Fuck you all. I refuse to try and please everyone. I don't expect you to try an please me, which is good, because it's obvious, you people never ever would.
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